The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
And Tuipilotu in just before HT!
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Thaum – just the thought of that makes my shoulders ache.
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Glaws 19-0 up against Scarlets, in the other competition.
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Refit – it seemed implausible to me that someone would deliberately dislocate their shoulder, but I suppose if your life were at stake….
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… And of course they managed to just pop it back in again afterwards and carry on.
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It’s also what Riggs does, in Lethal Weapon.
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How was that not even a yellow card?
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Refit – ah, I’ve not seen that.
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Decent win in the end. First half, we were excellent, second half, not so much. Dickson was Dickson (George Horne had to go off for an HIA, but he didn’t even look at it? What did the TV say about it?). Sione majestic again.
Now about thawed out. Not actually the coldest I’ve been at Scotstoun as there was really any breeze (unless we were kicking for goal then it seemed to be horrendous).
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BB – as far as I noticed, the TV said nowt except to announce after the fact that Horne had been replaced.
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Surprisingly, there was no announcement in the stadium that he’d failed his HIA.
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It’s also what Riggs does, in Lethal Weapon.
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refitman
10/01/2025 at 21:29 (Edit)
How was that not even a yellow card?
Not sure you can get yellow carded for an implausible Hollywood stunt? James Bond would be red carded by the time the intro song is done. Rambo would be banned for life.
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I’m still trying to work out how a Racing player launching himself shoulder-first into a Glasgow player’s head – which resulted in a large scuffle – wasn’t referred to the TMO.
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Refit, there is some discussion on the Glasgow board about whether or not there was a TMO present or if there was a breakdown in the comms between them and the ref.
As well as that Darge incident, it looked to me that the tackle that resulted in George Horne getting taken off and failing an HIA was head on head, the Racing 9 was very upright. To me it looked accidental, but it was still head contact in an upright tackle. There wasn’t a review of it.
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Ticht – right in line with that ‘tackle’ on Horne. In real time it looked like a seatbelt tackle, and the assistant on that side was right there. Why he didn’t see anything I don’t know. Didn’t even get a penalty for it.
Mind you, Dickson was the ref. Not a fan. The English Andrew Brace.
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Hope you’ve thawed out, BB
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Yep, wasn’t too bad. Didn’t even need my gel handwarmers. Still had about 4 layers on though. Not the worst I’ve seen at Scotstoun.
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Sale have definitely drawn a long straw this weekend. Lovely sunshine at the Stormers ground.
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They may be enjoying the sun, but I don’t think Sale are enjoying the rugby. 21-0 after 47 mins and a yellow for du Perez, for a not even subtle late tackle.
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I had thought we were out of the Cup, but actually if we beat Leicester today and Exeter next week at Ravenhill, and Leicester lose in Toulouse (which you’d think), then we can go through. Bonus points could come into play though.
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Looks like Exeter’s little form bump hasn’t carried over into the Cup. They’ve been beaten 17-69 (nice), at home by Bordeaux.
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Munster squeak it at Thomond Park.
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TRY FIVE for Timoneeeyyyy!
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With conversion and earlier penalty, that’s 0-10 to Ulster!
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A Try Five is something I’ve trained the dog to do, btw. It’s like a high five, but it happens after a try is scored, which is of course worth five points, so it works well all around.
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Boo! Tiggers score and convert.
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Ethan McIlroy has injured himself nastily. Think this is his first time back after another quite long injury.
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And Tiggers score again in first-half overtime. Pollard misses the conversion, so it’s 12-10.
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Fuck. Tigers score again.
On the up side, Pollard misses again. 7 points in it.
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Superfuck. They score again. Young Telfer made a bad mistake.
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Oh fuck’s sake. That’s another one. Irredeemable from here.
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Zack Ward has been knocked out, I think by one of our own players. We don’t have any other backs to replace him.
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Oh, Doak – who’d been replaced by Cooney – is coming back on.
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And Leicester score again. I hate rugby.
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We are so shit.
I mean, we are missing a lot of players to injury, but still.
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I am mentally scarred by watching that.
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Try being a Lions fan. Glorious start to the season, talk of top 4 in URC and then it’s gone runny (and runnier) since then. Still, we’ll have around 10 players returning from injury next week, which will equal the crowd at Ellis Park.
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Quick start by Toulon, a try inside 2 mins.
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Uh-oh, Premier Sports has broken. I think Quins might be hoping the same thing happens to the match.
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A yellow for Quins and a converted try for Toulon while the feed was down. And a 4th try to Toulon when the pictures come back.
26-0 at half time.
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One thing about Andrew Brace, he’s not taking any shit from Serin and his French, scrum-half antics.
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Holy crap. Saracens Women beat Leicester 100-0 yesterday. Maybe the men can take some pointers from them?
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I’ve got Bristol double-vision. The men vs Benetton on my tablet and the women vs Exeter on the TV.
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Updates, if possible, please! Don’t have access to the matches.
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Exeter Women have just collapsed a Bristol maul, resulting in a penalty try & yellow card. 7-12. We were lucky, because the original decision was held up, over the line.
Marmion has just scored Bristol’s second against Benetton. 14-5 inside 20mins.
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Lovely Bristol try. Murray, the 12, breaks through the centre of the park. Faced with a line of defenders, she stops, does a full 360 turn, then throws a pass out to the wing, where there’s an overlap and we score another.
Shortly after, Exeter find a gap in the Bristol defence and score. 14-19 to Bristol at half time
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Exeter level with an intercept immediately after kickoff, pulling the scores level. But Bristol hit back almost immediately. The ball goes wide to Maher, who cuts inside from her wing, drawing defenders. She then gives the ball wide to the full back, who canters in.
19-26
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Benetton scored just before half time, taking the lead 14-17
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A second penalty try to Bristol, from a scrum! The whole of the Exeter pack is held responsible, so no yellow, but a team warning instead.
19-33
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The ball goes a bit loose by Bristol, just inside their own half. They manage to get the ball wide to Maher, on half way, and she sets off. One defender doesn’t quite get to her in time and a second just gets run over, then it’s open pitch to score.
19-38 55mins
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