The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Bloody hell, Exeter made that look easy. At least 3 opportunities to score, before the cross-kick. Someone remind Ulster how to defend.
LikeLike
Ach, bugger. One of the Greats has gone to join his team mates.
https://www.theguardian.com/football/2025/jan/17/denis-law-manchester-united-scotland-legend-dies
LikeLike
George Best ent up to the pearly gates and St Peter says, if you can tell God what you believe He will let you stay.
George goes up to God and says, “I believe football is the purest expression of the human condition, it was made by yourself for the enjoyment of all mankind.”
God smiles and lets George in.
Bobby Moore goes up and says, “I believe that the football field is where we can express ourselves and bring peoples and nations together as one”
God greets Bobby warmly and lets him in.
Dennis Law goes up. God says, “What do you believe, Dennis?”
Dennis leans forward and says quietly, “I believe you’re in my seat”
It’s an oldie but it was the first iteration I heard of it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exeter’s 8 runs from our 22 to score. Yes, really.
LikeLike
Fucking hell, the Exeter 8 just outran the entire Ulster team to score a worldy.
LikeLike
There’s one for the Exeter 8’s highlights reel
LikeLike
Ticht – that doesn’t sound like Georgie at all. I’d let him in for the quip about ‘…and the rest I just squandered’.
LikeLike
Thaum, he got all philosophical as he got older :-)
LikeLike
TRY Izichukwu! Hooray!
LikeLike
TRY McCann! This is going a bit better now!
LikeLike
Another try for Ulster. Nice that they’ve turned up now.
LikeLike
But of course Exeter score again, too easily.
LikeLike
TRY Supertimoney!
LikeLike
17-all at HT. Doak has uncharacteristically missed two conversions.
LikeLike
BONUS POINT TRY to someone in a driving maul!
Mikey Lowry appears to think he made the difference in shoving the man over.
LikeLike
Great! Doak has limped off.
Cooney on, so fine for this match, but we don’t need to lose him!
LikeLike
Talk about Cooney moving to France. I don’t blame him at all if he chases money for a couple of years while he still can: he’s obviously never getting picked for Ireland, for whatever strange reason. We will miss him though.
LikeLike
TRY WonderIzichukwu!
LikeLike
TRY Carson!
I did not think until very recently that we’d win this, but surely we must now….
LikeLike
TRY McCann!
There is actually a faint chance that we can carry on in the Champions Cup. But I think we need an impossible point difference.
LikeLike
What the heck happened? I went away from my screen for about ten minutes and Ulster seem to have hammered Exeter
LikeLike
Exeter remembered that this year, they’re the losing team.
LikeLike
TRY Izichukwu!
We may not be out of it if the Sharks lose in Bordeaux!
LikeLike
Fuck. We carelessly let Exeter in for a BPT at the last minute, which may fuck us two ways.
LikeLike
Horrible clash of colours in the Cardiff/Connacht match. It’s 19-28 with about a min to go. Cardiff in possession in the Connacht 22.
LikeLike
Cardiff try doesn’t happen.
LikeLike
We need Bordeaux to beat the Sharks by about 30 points, with no points for Sharks. Hmm.
LikeLike
I’ve just re-read my poor, and old, joke and I even got one of the players wrong – it was Bobby Charlton who was the third of the Holy Trinity, not Bobby Moore.
LikeLike
Completely cocked it up, Ticht! Was great until you got the two Bobby’s confused.
LikeLike
The Bulls are doing horrible things to Stade. 43-7 on 47mins.
LikeLike
Bristol 26-26 Clermont, with 2 mins to play. Nail biter.
LikeLike
Bugger. In the 85th minute, after several changes in possession, Clermont get the ball over the Bristol line to score and win the match 33-26.
LikeLike
Bath score after a minute at Lansdowne Road!
LikeLike
And Bath score again!
LikeLike
Finn & friends already 2 tries up against Leinster, after only 7 minutes.
LikeLike
Leinster have woken up and scored.
LikeLike
Ooh, what a line by Henshaw, to pull a try back.
LikeLike
Russell’s gone off for an HIA and Henshaw’s scored his second.
LikeLike
Russell’s coming back on. Scotland and Bath fans will be relieved.
LikeLike
Ooh, that was a bit special from Finn and then Lawrence.
LikeLike
Another try each before HT. Bath go in 2 points ahead.
LikeLike
Bath get a free kick in front of Leinster’s posts, and forget to do the kicking bit…. Scrum Leinster.
LikeLike
Obano gets a second yellow and Bath are down to 14 for the rest of the match.
LikeLike
Leinster easing away now. Pulled the plug on Bath.
LikeLike
There’s something about Snyman plucking a rugby ball out of the air, with just one hand, that I just love.
LikeLike
He a bit freakish, Refit. I really hope he stays fit more than he has in the past.
LikeLike
This is a bit of a battering now. More than a bit. So Leinster and a couple of French sides? Again.
LikeLike
Treviso have beaten La Rochelle!
LikeLike
‘Mon The Mighty Weedge!
LikeLike
Racing gonna batter this Stormers side.
LikeLike