The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Stormers in control and on top for the first 8 or 9 minutes and get 3 points. Racing get downtown after 12 and get 7. Stormers doing okay so far, but need to score when they’re in the red zone.
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And another try for Racing! Fijian centre puts Similane on his arse and it opens up for the Racing winger to chip and gather. Some lovely offloads in the build up. 12-3 after 19 minutes.
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Boooo!
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Quins 14-0 up after 20 against the Weege!
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Double boooo!
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Stormers get one back! 12-10 to Racing.
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Stormers looking good and getting through the phases and then the ball carrier is isolated and a penalty.
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That was a peach of a try by Glasgow!
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Glasgow get going! 17-7. No idea. Just saw the score.
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We either score brilliant tries from distance, or by Johnny Matthews from a maul.
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Stormers get a defensive scrum penalty. Racing snaffle the lineout but a forward pass kills a promising move. Racing keep up the pressure, take it quickly and a Fijian 1-2 sees them over! Conversion is good and it’s 19-10 with a couple of minutes to half time.
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It’s a bit feisty, this match.
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Hmm. That was disappointing.
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Fucking hell. Sharks are 0-12 to the good 8 minutes in. This is not my beautiful result!
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Well, then Bordeaux absolutely pulverise the Sharks’ scrum and Penaud goes over.
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Sharks player earns a yellow card (which could easily be argued is a red, particularly as it was a late tackle), but knocks himself out.
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Penaud again!
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I think the ref is being lenient again, this time for Bordeaux. Yellow for head contact by one of their players, but it did look like he threw his shoulder into that hit.
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Now a Sharks player throws a shoulder into someone’s face, but they don’t seem to be having a look at that.
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FFS. The Bordeaux match suddenly changed to an interview with Cheika and I had to reload the stream. Thanks Premier Sports.
Sharks have been comprehensively humped this afternoon.
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Penaud’s just scored his 6th try of the match.
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10 tries to Bordeaux.
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Ulster are through?!!!
Had to drive the mister to the airport, so missed the second half, but I was not hopeful!
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Leicester flying out the blocks and get close to Toulouse’s line. But Toulouse turn it over and Dupont scores from a Ramos quick tap – and Perese gets a yellow for not being back 10.
Capuozzo’s receiving treatment for being on the end of a hard, but legal, tackle.
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Fabulous, fabulous Beagles! Amazing Penaud!!
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Oh, what a try by Capuozzo! Lovely line & step to make the space. 28-0 after 22mins.
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A minute to half time and it only feels like Leicester have had the ball for maybe 5 mins
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44th minute and Leicester are bearing down on the TLS line. Ref blows up and two scuffles break out. Penalty Leicester for a player grabbing a scrumcap.
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Jack Willis latches onto the ball and it’s a TLS penalty. Ball into touch and Tigers are being nilled – 42-0.
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Tigers aren’t getting nilled! Van Poortvliet scores a try after stepping a couple of opposing players. 42-7
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Took about 30 seconds for Toulouse to score again. 47-7
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Oh dear, 8th try to Toulouse. Willis turns the ball over in the middle of the park and gives it to Capuozzo. He sets off down the wing, steps inside a Leicester player and scores. 54-7
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I’m pretty sure Mini Nige just said “Antoine love…” when talking to Dupont.
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Leicester have a second try scrubbed, for crossing in the build-up.
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Leicester do get their second try, a drive over from close range. Unfortunately Toulouse score again two minutes later. 61-12 68mins.
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Oh, a 12th try for Toulouse. Final score 80-12.
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Hey, they only did us 61-21. Obviously we deserve our place in the last 16.
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It’s been a bad week for Leicester. The women’s team were beaten 100-0 by Saracens last Saturday.
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First half of Sale vs Racing wasn’t great, but the home team have woken up in the second half and scored some nice tries. Particularly Tom Curry’s grubber & regather.
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And Mark Selby got knocked out of the Master’s by Mark Allen.
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It’s probably poetic justice that we have to travel to Bordeaux for our next European Cup match. Well, it was nice to get through.
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Tie of the round is Munster to La Rochelle – mass mobilisation of the faithful as we speak – not sure how they’ll get tickets to a ground which has been sold out ..what is it …70 times in a row but expect a solid representation….
Travel options I’ve seen – Cork to Stansted, Stansted-La Rochelle; Dublin to Nantes and train, Cork to Paris and train, Dublin to Bordeaux and train; Dublin to Cherbourg ferry and god alone knows..
If you were thinking of a Spring break in Charente Maritime – I’d skip the 1st weekend of April.
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Actually, on getting tickets…. the cutest story I heard was of a friend of my brother in law getting his own b-i-l (who was a legit Belgian ref – but not Andrew Brace) to ring up Toulouse (or whoever) as the Belgian refs society and get a dozen tickets – supposedly for “Belgian refs” who were eager to travel
Easier in the days of calling the ticket office….
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we have to travel to Bordeaux for our next European Cup match
Yeah, looks a tough one. That said, I was quite impressed on Friday night – in parts.
Izuchukwu deserves a run in the 6N – probably get time vs Italy or maybe Wales in the 6/half-lock role but might be more interesting to see him at lock. Postlethwaite and McCann ought to be in the squad here and now.
Didn’t get to see a whole heap of the Munster game – 2pm kickoff for our U18.5s meant it was half-time before we got home. Upside – my 2 lads got a run out together. #2 son came through without any issues. Played Bandon – they were very good but helped along by a tyro ref.
Drop off in numbers of experienced refs – means they’ve gone into overdrive to recruit, but lads are getting games that are beyond them currently. U18.5 is fast and physical – everything happening at all once – it’s not really a good training ground.
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Ach, bugger. One of the Greats has gone to join his team mates
I’m just old enough to recall latter end of Law’s career. In my mind’s eye it was lightning reflexes and for a small, wiry fellow the ability to outjump defenders.
Probably need to go back and take a look at the archives (like for Greaves – you forget the speed and control – with big heavy boots, a rock solid leather ball, and dodgy pitches – nevermind the hatchet men who masqueraded as defenders)
Best (and Charlton) probably overshadowed him post 1967 (in all sorts of ways) which was when I started to pay attention to football, so I don’t recall him as a huge star at that time – probably one tier down.
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Basically his knee was knackered (the injury that caused him to miss the 1968 European Cup Final), plus Man United’s decline after Busby left meant he wasn’t as prolific as before. Still, only Charlton and Rooney have scored more goals for them.
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Oh fuckity fuck fuck.
Sione’s oot of the 6N.
Wooden Spoon here we come.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/rugby-union/articles/c4gxrlknljxo
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Dismal couple of weeks for the Saffer sides, with the gulf in class between the French and Irish sides absolutely apparent. A team like the Sharks, on paper, have a helluva side, but when four or five stars are out, the replacements are pretty average to bad. Ditto the Stormers and Bulls. The Lions don’t really have a star-studded side anyway, but also have fewer resources to srart with. There were 25 or 26 Saffers playing in the Champions Cup this weekend for non-SA sides, and probably a similar number in the Challenge Cup. Getting even half of that contingent back would strengthen our sides considerably (and that’s before we start on the guys playing in Japan). Problem is, our currency is shit and just can’t compete with the deep pockets in the NH.
On a (slightly more) positive note, it wasn’t only our sides that got battered! And the Lions dished out a battering of their own in the Challenge Cup. Bulls won, but nobody cares about them.
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Big blow, BB, but you at least still have midfielders. Have pity on England. You may to retread Boan Venter a lock though, if he’s eligible.
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I’m slightly less scared of playing Scotland now
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