The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Alwyn’s always been a bit of a dick, Deebee.
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“The Supersport mob are ghasted, flabbered and outraged that Reffell’s yellow wasn’t red.”
The TNT mob ignored it
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Also, why didn’t the Welsh player go off for an HIA?
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I remember The Goodies had George Best with a football on a piece of elastic so it would always come back to him, Fiji are like that, the ball seems attracted to their hands
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Oh and I’ve only just noticed Hollie Davidson as assistant referee
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What was the story earlier, Refit, the woman who scored the wonder try? Has she been stopped from playing for Wales or something?
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And a dick who can’t be bothered to look at why the Boks have gone 7-1: they’ve got a late Sunday kickoff and 6 day turnaround, against England, so wants the forwards to be as fresh as possible. It’s completely not about either disrespecting Scotland or wanting to grind them to a pulp. It’s practicality.
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Wonder how Fiji will be penalised for Williams’ injury.
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I really hope Holly Davidson’s parents were avid bikers!
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Ticht – that’s Jaz Joyce, Bristol & Wales greased lightning. She’s being picked for Wales, but not really being allowed the freedom to play like she can.
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FFS, the ref didn’t penalise Wales for going through on the 9 like that
I could go full expro on this
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I won’t though
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Lovely Fiji try!
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Lomani sliding into shot, after Tuisova’s try, was lovely.
G’wan Fiji!
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Gats looks resigned and out of ideas. Fiji looking fun. Wales 15 appears to have his age on his back. My word he looks young!
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Very well worked try by Wales! Back within two!
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Great Welsh defence, but they’re looking pretty battered! Gats still looking a bit shell shocked.
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Fuck me, that was a hand off and a half.
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Shame that final pass was a bit forward.
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That was so far forward I’m not sure why the ref didn’t pick it up in real time. Fiji opt for posts with five to go. Think the corner would’ve been a better idea, but they’re five up with five to go!
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I wouldn’t want to be a Welsh ball carrier with these Fijians flying up in defence! Fucking terrifying!
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Well done Fiji!
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Well done Fiji.
Lets have another upset next, please
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Wow! That’s a big win for Fiji! Feel for Wales, that’s not easy to take, but Fiji played the 80 and were pretty bloody good.
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Let’s not, Ticht. The rugby universe needs to reset itself.
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Muntz was outstanding
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“Let’s not, Ticht. The rugby universe needs to reset itself.”
Fair enough, home win it is.
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Should remember of course that Fiji won that game with 15 players on the pitch. If the old rules had been in force, they would have had 14 for most of the game. Would they still have won then?
(Wales should also have been down to 14 though, so maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference then).
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Still can’t believe it wasn’t a red for Wales.
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Yikes, Bristol got thumped 78-19 by Bath, in the Prem Cup.
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Gulp!
Not nervous in any way. Not at all. Really, I’m not. No sirree! Nervous? Not I!
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Siya’s signing in the tunnel and the producer cuts away from it
FFS
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singing even
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Think that Scotland will need to get well ahead early on, because the Saffer bench is going to be brutal.
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The production this weekend has been pretty shocking. They keep playing clips of things the commentary aren’t talking about, doing weird things like using the spider cam for lineouts and just cutting away from things they should be showing.
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That’s the first try in.
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I seem to mostly be following Welsh fans on Bluesky and they aren’t taking the loss well.
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One positive to take away from this weekend – no Andrew Brace.
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Boks seem to have the early momentum, but can’t get complacent. Two excellent lineout steals as well
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We won’t get nilled at least.
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20min red for Cummins.
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Cummings gets a 20 minute red card.
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Feeling any better about the 20-minute rule now, Ticht?
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Did Ashman just send Etezebeth back in the tackle?
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You don’t often see Eben driven back like that.
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Yes, he did – picked him right up! I thought at first it was Finn, which was even funnier.
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Scotland settling in nicely despite being a man down. Boks are a bit sloppy.
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Bugger.
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I’ll take it.
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Finn keeping us in this at the moment. Back up to 15 now.
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