The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Surprised they didn’t looked at what seemed to be an Irish player going to kick the ball and kneeing an Argentinian. Now Bealham off for a croc roll.
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Thaum – he was pinning the Arg player’s foot under his body, torquing his knee. Dangerous play.
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I’ll take your word for it, Refit – I couldn’t see any part of his body being trapped, but quite likely I just missed it.
Bealham has really been a bit of liability lately, but I honestly didn’t see anything in that.
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It was a more dangerous “croc roll” than the one that Cummings got a red for last week
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On the other hand, my opinion of Crowley is going way up this evening, Trisk!
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Thought you were supposed to stay still during a penalty kick? Porter always seems to wander about in the eye line of the kicker. Maybe everyone does it and I haven’t noticed.
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TRY McCarthy!
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Good defending there by Ireland, but I had a vision of Bealham getting a red for two yellows.
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Try by the Argentine full-back, who ran through half a dozen ‘tackles’.
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Lovely try Argentina! Game needed that.
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Oh, that was a wonderful try by Argentina.
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How have Ireland conceded more than double the penalties of Argentina?
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Now Joe McCarthy’s been yellowed for repeated infringements. We are giving away FAR too many.
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At least Bealham’s off!
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I have to say, my Bru prediction didn’t account for Ireland having the discipline of a room full of toddlers.
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I was just going to say that your prediction is a bit fucked.
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That was a stupid kick from Lowe. Just gave away possession in an attacking area.
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Ireland bringing on a small child at 10.
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Refit – the much-hyped Prendergast, who’s barely played for Leinster.
Crowley’s had a poor second half so far (relatively), so let’s see what he can do.
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Thomas Clarkson, though, is seeming like the best replacement so far!
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Oh god, Cian Healy’s coming on too. 37 years old.
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Prendergast good so far: that wasn’t his fault!
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Schoolboy then granddad.
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Great defence from the Pumas!
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Nail-biting stuff now.
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12 to 5 on penalties! And Argentina usually one of the dirtiest teams around, and us one of the cleanest.
What is going on? Why are we doing this?
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That was really dumb by the 18.
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Thaum – Lavanini isn’t in the team any more.
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Refit – good point, but that doesn’t explain why we are giving away so many penalties.
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Well bloody hell, I thought we were going to lose that. Deservedly.
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Ooh, Ireland got lucky there.
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Think the first 20 minutes saw Ireland win that. Not particularly impressive for the rest of the game.
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Back to the penalty count. We have mostly the same players and coaches, so what is going on? Is it maybe something like Sexton on the pitch threatening anyone who gives away a penalty with the loss of their future generations or something?
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Full points to McCarthy for calling the crowd ‘feckin’ amazing’ live on camera as he takes his MotM interview.
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POM played 80 minutes, I think. Legend.
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(I don’t think he has anything to do with keeping the penalty count down, although not sure he personally gave any away tonight.)
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POM was a replacement Thaum.
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Oh go ahead, destroy my dreams.
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(I did think it was odd for him to play 80.)
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Disappointing overall. Probably lucky to win with pen count 12-5 against
This team looks gassed right now. Lack of forward power is killing us. How many times were we in Argentinian 22 in 2nd half and going over and back and no penetration?
Second half – for 2nd week in a row – was poor. Yeah, Crowley wasn’t good in 2nd half but there’s no 10 looking great behind a pack that’s going nowhere. I’ve 2 sons playing 10 now (one moved from 9), so I tend to focus on that position now. In first half, Crowley made any number of first up tackles and cleared rucks….you’d wonder where the forwards got to.
If I’m Ticht or BB, I’m wondering how Bealham isn’t a red card (albeit 20 mins only).
Lineout went to hell again until O’Mahony came on….
Prendergast wasn’t a disaster but he wasn’t the next coming either …small boost with the subs on 60 but soon subsided
Motm was McCarthy. Yeah…. ???? Scored a try then got a stupid yellow for the sort of thing U14s do – never close to getting back onside. Kudos to the ref to carrying over the warning after half time. Usually, they wipe the slate.
No lack of effort but too many of the forwards look goosed. Hansen wasn’t great ( try notwithstanding – grounding looked “dodge”).
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Thought it was weird we didn’t see a good angle of the grounding for Hanson’s try. Even at half time the only view we saw was from about the half way line!
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BB – I’d put that down to the generally shoddy direction on TNT, rather than a conspiracy. They’ve been dire with some of the camera angles and choices they’ve made during matches, this series.
Which is weird, because the Prem/Cups coverage is usually pretty good.
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“If I’m Ticht or BB, I’m wondering how Bealham isn’t a red card (albeit 20 mins only).”
Well, yeah, using Scott Cummings last week as the comparison, he landed on the lower leg of Mostert due to the actions of others, one being the SA scrum half moving onside from an offside position. That was deemed worthy of a 20 minute red.
Deliberately twisting and rolling an opponent in such a way that the Arg prop’s knee was injured was kept at yellow. His actions were the very definition of a croc roll and it’s what the new directive on this was supposed to stop happening.
It’s the inconsistency that is baffling and it’s little wonder that fans get irate when there are instances like these which are officiated so differently.
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I definitely think that was the worst Ireland performance we’ve seen for a few years.
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Tom Jordan – Glasgow Warriors (2)
Darcy Graham – Edinburgh Rugby (40)
Rory Hutchinson – Northampton Saints (7)
Stafford McDowall – Glasgow Warriors (7) CAPTAIN
Arron Reed – Sale Sharks (2)
Adam Hastings – Glasgow Warriors (31)
George Horne – Glasgow Warriors (32) VICE-CAPTAIN
Jamie Bhatti – Glasgow Warriors (34)
Patrick Harrison – Edinburgh Rugby (2)
Will Hurd – Leicester Tigers (2)
Alex Craig – Scarlets (4)
Alex Samuel – Glasgow Warriors (uncapped)
Luke Crosbie – Edinburgh Rugby (11) VICE-CAPTAIN
Ben Muncaster – Edinburgh Rugby (uncapped)
Josh Bayliss – Bath Rugby (8)
Replacements
Johnny Matthews – Glasgow Warriors (1)
Rory Sutherland – Glasgow Warriors (35)
Elliot Millar Mills – Northampton Saints (6)
Ewan Johnson – Oyonnax (3)
Freddy Douglas – Edinburgh Rugby (uncapped)
Jamie Dobie – Glasgow Warriors (8)
Matt Currie – Edinburgh Rugby (3)
Kyle Rowe – Glasgow Warriors (8)
This is the Scotland lineup for this afternoon against Portugal.
There are a couple of names to look out for – Ben Muncaster plays across the back row, he’s listed as an 8 for Edinburgh, he really brings the bosh in his carrying.
Another is Freddy Douglas, and I quote, “The 19-year-old represented Scotland’s Under-18 side in the 2023 Six Nations Festival only 18 months ago but looks poised to be the youngest player to feature for the full national side since Donald White in 1963.”
I’ve seen him for our under 20s and he was outstanding. There are some saying that Douglas at 19 is way ahead of what Hamish Watson was at 24, when he made his Scotland debut.
I don’t like the hype surrounding him, he just needs to get on and play, but interestingly, if he gets on the park today he will be a full Scotland internationalist before he has played for Edinburgh.
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Also, congratulations to Stafford McDowall, Scottish captain. In days gone by he would have been a regular in the Scottish midfield, but he’s got a fair amount of competition now.
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A lot of passion in that rendition of the Portuguese anthem, but not much tunefulness…!
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Here we go….
Still can’t see it being a 75 point win for Scotland (the Portuguese beat Fiji last year at the RWC so are no mugs), maybe Refit meant a Scotland win by 7 OR 5 points.
Plus the fitba’ team won last night, so a tricky moment for the sporting dogs. Are we allowed two Scottish sporting successes in one weekend?
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Thaum – I always turn the volume down during the anthems. Partly because I don’t want to hear rugby (or football) players attempting to sing, and also because I’m fed with seeing cameras being stuck up their noses during what can be quite an emotional time for some players.
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Time for Scotland to do some bullying.
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