The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
3 1/2 mins for the first try, plenty of time to score 10 more 😁.
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That last 5 minutes were just nuts. Hope we settle a wee bit and get the lineout working better.
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I imagine this is incredibly infuriating, if you’re a Scotland fan. It’s a hugely fun watch otherwise.
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Ooh, that’s not going to help Portugal. Their 5 in the bin for giving up 2 pens in a row, on mauls on their own line. Pen try Scotland 19-0
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Graham does have some magic feet . He also has the try record.
26-0
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Good hands by Scotland, for Bayliss to score in the corner. 33-0 (back on track for +75)
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Yay! Portugal not nilled.
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Portugal try! The hooker in the corner, after a second maul attempt, with the clock well in the red. 33-7 at half time
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I’ve seen someone say that the Portuguese scrum half took the ball off the hooker and then gave it back to him in the maul – I didn’t see it tbh, but if that happened the try should have been chalked off
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Ooh, Reed almost blew that, with some white line fever. Well taken by Bhatti in the end. 38-7
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A try for the fatties! Incredible scrum by Portugal, creating the try for their 9. 38-14
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Ragdolling the oppo 9, is a lovely thing for a front row to do. Feel for Horne though, that’ll have hurt.
Reid doesn’t cock it up this time and gets over the line. 45-14
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Reed finds a gap and gets a second. 52-14 (back on track for +75)
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Portugal look absolutely fucked, with 20mins left to play.
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A 3rd for Portugal. They pinch another Scotland lineout and the 14 skips through to score. 52-21
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Remember when Scotland had a functioning lineout?
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The lineout actually works and sets a good platform for Scotland to get to the Portuguese line and Dobie to dot over and score.
59-21
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Refit – I’m 61 and I don’t remember us having a functioning lineout.
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Hell of an effort by Portugal.
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Have to say I’m a bit underwhelmed by that. Think it shows we still have problems in the front row (and the lineout). Back line was fairly good and that’s where our main strength is. Reed, Graham, Jordan, Dobie, Hastings, Hutchinson all played well. Obviously I think Darcy will back against the Aussies, but Kinghorn might be looking over his shoulder a bit as Jordan barely put a foot wrong at fullback.
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Remember the days when rugby teams would run on to the pitch, listen to the anthems and then play a game of rugby?
I’d be quite happy for those days to come back.
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Oh goody, Brace is the ref…..
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Perfect timing. Finished my dinner just as they kick off. Oh fuck, Brace on the whistle, anything goes then.
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Doesn’t start much better than that.
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New kicking boots required for SA, I think.
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Scrum-half try thievery!
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Someone’s greased the SA 9. Hell of a try there.
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Now the big lads doing charge-downs for the score.
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Well, that’s a kick in the nuts. PSdT making up for conceding a penalty.
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Kolbe furra line now. Turning into a bit of a try-fest.
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Kolbe made that look so horribly easy.
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Libbok picked a fine time to remember how to kick. Git.
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Kolbe sent Steward out to the shops there.
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No yellow for this roll? It was round the neck
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Ugo the Magic 8-ball: https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2024/nov/15/freddie-stewards-selection-can-strengthen-england-in-defence-and-in-attack
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Ooh, what a swerve by Underhill.
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Hell of a half of rugby.
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Ooh, England got lucky there.
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This feels like a completely different team to the last couple of weeks.
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Balls. That was a nice try too.
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Wait, no tmo for an HIA?
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I’m really not a fan of the fact we haven’t seen the incident that caused Slade to go off for an HIA.
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Slade’s back on.
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Kolbe in again.
Wonder if Deebee’s peeking out from behind the sofa?
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Itoje got a little birlie there.
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England could have won that, but for a lack of imagination in the SA 22.
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You could have missed out the last 3 words and the number there, Refit.
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How long do you think it’ll be before it’s ‘Borthwick Oot!’ and another former forward installed?
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Yes, if only we still had an Edinburgh based llama to lead the campaign…
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Borthwick OOT!!
(Hello everyone)
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