The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Thaum – maybe Dan Cole can finally retire & move upstairs?
LikeLike
Courtney Lawes was so anguished in the post-match interview that I bet he’d take it.
(Evening, Dab!)
LikeLike
Time for France v NZ. This could be a lot of fun.
LikeLike
Cor, the lighting they did for the haka was quite special.
LikeLike
NZ picking a wife-beater on the wing (Reece). Come on France!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Quite the first try by NZ.
LikeLike
This game is kinda bonkers.
LikeLike
I missed the try cos I was out feeding the dog, but yes, no-one’s going to wonder what would have happened if they’d tried harder.
LikeLike
Dupont clattered in the ribs in an armless fashion. Ref doesn’t care.
LikeLike
Scrums are crap though.
LikeLike
Yes, and I don’t recognise most of this French pack.
LikeLike
I love how utterly one-eyed Benjamin Kaiser is, on comms.
LikeLike
He’s still adorable. :-)
LikeLike
That was enjoyable. Did seem to be of a higher level than the previous game.
LikeLike
Or the one before that BB 😉
LikeLike
And in fact the one last night.
LikeLike
Right, so guests have all gone to bed and I saw the match whilst braaiing, so not fully engaged. Takeaways? Marcus Smith is far better than I gave him credit for – the Bok defence seemed to hesitate every time he got the ball, he created a fair amount of havoc in our defence.
England’s forwards were competitive for the most part, and Ben Earl and Cunningham-South were both excellent. Boks were put under a lot of pressure for long periods – which is testament to them being able to absorb the pressure.
Freddie Steward and Co under the high ball were fabulous and kept England in the game with some good go-forward ball. With a bit more finesse, it could’ve been a different result.
LikeLike
For the Boks, I’m not sure Libbok will play many more high pressure matches. As good as he can be, he’s also a liability off the tee and in the tackle. Ox going off early was a big blow and both Bongi and Marx with their dodgy darts is a weakness. Snyman is a monster and if he can fit is the lock our next few years will be based around. Kolbe? Unbelievable! All in all, very happy, coulda been better, but England played a great game.
LikeLike
Deebee – agree on Smith. Steward? Yes, good under a high ball, rubbish at everything else and an absolute turnstile in defence – see SA tries 2 and 3.*
As for the forwards, I seem to recall England’s scrum getting penalised nearly every time at least until the replacements came on. Earl is good, and C-S usually is, but I thought was quiet today.
*That’s why Ugo’s article was so funny. He’s always wrong about everything.
LikeLike
As for SA, you’d be frightening if you had a decent fly-half. Libbok is rubbish, and Pollard isn’t a whole lot better, at least off the tee.
Kolbe was the obvious MotM.
Thought Etzebeth had a poor match (for him): couple of needless knock-ons, couple of stupid penalties given away.
LikeLike
Slade was probably England’s best player this evening.
LikeLike
FFS! Domestic violence is not gendered, according to Steve Hansen: https://www.stuff.co.nz/sport/rugby/all-blacks/114049254/steve-hansen-backs-sevu-reece-says-domestic-violence-is-not-a-gender-thing
LikeLike
Was that Michel Barnier that they showed in the stands?
LikeLike
Fabulous France! Je t’aime!
Absolutely breathless ending.
LikeLike
What a breathless end to the match.
LikeLike
Snap :-)
LikeLike
That was a cracker of a game. Probably the best of the AIs so far.
LikeLike
Yes, I have really enjoyed the matches. Looking forward to 6N now, unlike last year.
LikeLike
I can hear Yosoy exploding from here
LikeLiked by 1 person
The reason Alldritt doesn’t wear a scrum cap any more, might be the most French thing
LikeLike
Oh god, the Jones column is gold, even past the headline
LikeLike
Ben Kay on co-coms for Italy vs Georgia. Wonder how often he’ll say “battle of the shoulders”.
Still, at least his usual partner in crime, Healy isn’t there.
LikeLike
Italy in full-blown panic mode during that Georgian try!
LikeLike
Lovely try Georgia!
LikeLike
If Austin didn’t try to be funny, he’d be an excellent commentator.
Georgia score a try! Lovely break in open play and gas for the line. They lead 3-7.
Didn’t realise Cockers had a job with Georgia.
LikeLike
Georgia score again!
LikeLike
Even better try from Georgia! Full back ran through most of Italy!
LikeLike
How did no Italian players get a hand on the Georgian 15? That was a run Kolbe would have been proud of.
LikeLike
Healy can be very insightful and very stupid, often in the same sentence.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Georgia’s goal-line defence is very good – perhaps unsurprising, considering Cockers is in charge.
LikeLike
Could be a penalty try for Italy and a yellow for Georgia here.
LikeLike
When do Wales stuff Australia? Asking what time the game today is on, not a view of how many years into the future it may be, for clarity.
LikeLike
Game kicks off 16:10 UK time.
LikeLike
Can’t see far enough into the future for your other question.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Booo! Italy take the lead.
LikeLike
Double boo! Italy win. Georgia were knackered for that last quarter, some of them could barely run by the end.
LikeLike
Hmm. Georgia to replace England in the 6N? Too soon?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Calm down Deebee, Wales still exist.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bloody hell, Aus lock Nick Frost galloping in from 50m. 0-12 to Aus after 17 mins
LikeLike
3rd try to Aus. Lineout in the corner and the hooker carries the ball over the line. 0-19 22 mins
LikeLike