Six Nations have announced that they are ringing the changes for next year’s tournament. OvallyBalls had an exclusive mole in the decision room.
Six Nations Clown Five: Listen, chaps, I’m awfully sorry we failed to get the Six Nations behind a paywall so that we could destroy the popularity of the only tournament that is broadly watched, but we’ll try again in a couple of years.
SNC2: I’m not a fookin’ chap.
SNC4: Ah, bellissima! Like me, you are wearing a molto clever disguise to our top-secret meeting in this luxury ristorante.
SNC2: Catch yerself on. I’m wearing what the boss told me to wear: blue.
SNC5: Can we just get back to our onions? We have a tournament to ruin here.
SNC6: Onions? Oignons? En France, we return to our moutons.
SNC3: We quite like our lovely sheep as well.
SNC1: Ach, can we knock the tired wee 70s jokes on the heid? We’ve two major things to discuss here: playing matches on a Thursday (a THURS-DEE!), and deep-sixing one rest weekend.
SNC3: Thursday matches! It was bad enough, look you, when the Friday ones started. Working people are not going to be able to get to these matches, or maybe even watch them on the telly.
SNC5: Surely they will just have their servants do anything necessary on those particular evenings?
SNC6: Bah, the British do not know how to live. They eat their dinner – and quelle horreur d’un repas – at a silly time. They are weaklings who cannot stay up to a reasonable hour.
SNC4: Sono d’accordo.
SNC1: I dinna like the Thursday match, but I’m a wee bit more concerned about losing the rest weekend. That’s 5 Test matches in six weeks. Do we not have a small concern about player welfare there?
SNC3: We’ve not got a huge squad to field from the valleys.
SNC4: È vero, this also concerns us.
SNC2: Agh, it’s all right, we’ll just call on Leinster’s academy if half the squad end up in the hospital.
SNC6: Eh ben oui, we have many teams in the Top14, and perhaps we can bend the rules on players being called up.
SNC5: No worries here either, chaps … heh, heh: and chapesses. So is it all settled, then?
SNCs 1, 3 and 4 (simultaneously): Fuck off / vaffanculo.
SNC5: Perhaps I have not yet properly explained the emoluments available to those who agree to these proposals.
[whispers]
All: Crack on!
Ovally Balls 
Faz back for Sarries. Adam Jones still knocking about in his shorts. It’s like nothing’s changed.
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Hair bear Adam Jones?
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Quins scored inside 2 mins. Meanwhile two Saracens players have just driven a Falcons players head-first into the ground and the 6 is getting a red.
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But… I thought Leinster had the bestest and deepestest squad ever?
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Thaum – the one and the same.
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20min red for Saracens 6 – Michelow.
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35-0 at FT!
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Newcastle also scored a try. 7-0.
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Newcastle have a Nic White look-a-like (‘tache and all) at 9.
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Quins already two tries up against the Finn-less Bath.
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Now for the main feature. C’MON ULSTERRR!
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‘Mon Ra Weedge!
Season of transition for us this year, I think. Would hope we’d still be in the Top 4.
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Oh fuck. Dragons score from the kick-off.
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I think it was 11 seconds. 7-0.
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Handbags already. Warning of yellow if it happens again.
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TRY Ulster after dozens of phases! Not sure who; some forward at the bottom of everything.
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Boo. Sharks lead.
Meanwhile, Will Evans has 3 tries for Quins in 30 minutes.
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Izuchukwu, I think.
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Glasgow score!
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Shit! Dragons score another nice opportunistic try. Had hoped the first one was a fluke.
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Yellow for Cunningham-South yellow and Bath score straight off the penalty. Bath only 3 points down now, 17-14.
Second try for Saracens and they retake the lead 10-15.
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Leinster looking for a new social media manager?
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Refit – I think Starmer’s hiring?
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See Bath have their own Tuipolotu. Every team should have one.
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Ah, lovely passage of play from Ulster that’s fucked up about 5m out.
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TRY Timoney!
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Again, some bloody lovely team play that ends in a knock-on.
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Boo! Glasgow have 2 tries disallowed.
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But it ends up with a TRY for McCann! Although the mister thinks there was a forward pass.
McCloskey has started both of these tries, if they are both tries.
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Try stands!
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TRY Ward???!!!
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And that’s the BP.
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Hugely entertaining first half. 28-14. Starting to remember why I love rugby.
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Wow. Arundell took a high ball standing still, then just flew! His acceleration was amazing from nothing. Bath now in the lead.
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Flicked over to the Sarries game for a sec and saw Wee Darcy in the crowd?!?! Hopefully (for Embra fans) that doesn’t mean he’s about to sign and he’s just enjoying some rugby (think he’s still recovering from the injury he got with the Lions?)
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Second half commences, and … TRY Doak!
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That try was set up by Zac Ward, who fucked up a try earlier, but has now redeemed himself.
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Poor old George Turner. First game for Quins but has a serious injury. Bit of discussion as to whether there will be contested scrums or not. George is at least walking off.
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Drags on the attack and not sure if a try has been scored or not. Ref thinks not.
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Quins have just lost their second hooker to injury, so it’s uncontested scrums for the remaining 25mins. The replacement player can play hooker, but wasn’t marked as such on the team sheet. It’s all been a bit confusing.
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No try but scrum 5.
Am extremely pleased to note that this year they have matched the teal shade of the refs’ socks to their shorts. Last year they were distinctly different, and it annoyed me all year.
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Well, it’s a closer match, anyway.
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Dragons do score.
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Apparently Willie Falloon has been brought in as an Ulster defence coach. As when he was a player, every time I hear his name, I start singing ‘Spotty Muldoon’.
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Tom O’Toole has been busy growing a big scary beard over the summer.
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Bath turning on the power now. lead 33-17 now.
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Ulster fuck up another near-certain try.
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The main thing I want now (apart from sealing the win, of course), is to stop the Dragons getting a BPT. Fortunately, they have just committed a forward pass.
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Dragons looked to have scored well, but there was a forward pass in it.
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(Again)
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