The intense interest aroused in the public by what was known at the time as “The OvallyBalls Case” has now somewhat subsided. Nevertheless, in view of the world-wide notoriety which attended it, I have been asked, both by my friend Poirot and the blogmembers themselves, to write an account of the whole story. This, we trust, will effectually silence the sensational rumours which still persist.
It all began when a chap named BorderBoy idly commented, “Wonder who’ll end up killing me first?” BB, as he was affectionately called, seemed only to be referring to a domestic situation engendered by the current lockdown, but his comment brought on a sinister load of abuse, invective and general rotterness.
Poirot, knowing my aptitude for these kinds of cases, has asked me to transcribe my characterisation of the main suspects at this point in the proceedings.
Suspects
OurTerry
Far from having any sympathy for BB’s imminent demise, OT raged that “This lockdown and home schooling has already cost me 250 quid for a better router.”
He later tries to cover his tracks by suggesting that a fancy new router can distract one from the woes of lockdown.
Chimpie
Chimpie seemed to sympathise at first, when he commented that “Lockdown and home schooling is costing me my sanity”, but quickly made it All About Himself when he went on to say “And a melbury. Can I moan about electricians not turning up when they’re supposed to?”
Must investigate this Melbury fellow. Sounds unreliable.
Craigsman
This utter bounder’s callous response to BB’s plaintive question was “Hard to say. There’s so many to choose from.”
I shall keep an eye on him.
Deebee7
His comment that “It’s at times like this that I’m glad my sprog was born 26 years ago…” may seem innocuous, and even supportive of BB, but does it hide darker thoughts?
* * *
Just as I had finished writing out these incisive insights, BB surprised us all by posting again: “Daughter 2 (at the posh end of the table) is 27 and working from home (and still staying here, despite her best efforts to leave).”
What could this signify? I mean, we all thought he was dead. Perhaps, I thought to myself, it is a coded message from his killer, who has hijacked his login. In which case, what could ‘the posh end of a table’ mean? Could it be that BB, posing as a humble librarian, was actually a person so wealthy that his table stretched to different post-codes.
And I fear for his captive daughter, who probably has auburn hair and is rather beautiful.
* * *
A new suspect has emerged.
A dubious character named ClydeMillarWynant has responded to OT’s comment about the £250 router with “My lot will just have to get behind with their wodwork.”
What could this mean? What are these wods they’re working on, and why should they get behind with it?
He also goes on to show an unnatural interest in the case:
“BB listed the candidates. They were Mrs BB, Daughter 2 and, somewhat bizarrely, Chimpie.
“It’s not many when you think about it.”
He then makes suspicious distractions around fractions and cricket. Well, that’s just not cricket. I have my eye on you, you rotter.
* * *
A very disturbing conversation then took place.
The murderer, posing as BB again, wrote, “Think we can safely rule Chimpie out as one of my killers. Next door neighbour’s cat keeps giving me evil looks though, so may count him in.”
This heightened my suspicions of Chimpie (who, by the way, is a llama). It’s preposterous that it could be a cat.
The scoundrel then had the effrontery to reply under his own moniker, “It’s all right BB why would I want to kill you? It’s not like I could eat you or anything…. Legally.”
But then Craigsman remarked that he now has “a rather gruesome image of BB toasted on one side, covered with a massive pile of cheese, being slid under a grill.” And I suspect he has his neighbours tied up with wire.
Chimpie responded, “I’d probably go for charbroiled cutlets. Or maybe even a pot roast.”
To which MisterIks, a known Prog-hater, suspiciously replied, “Well I’m in the clear. No motive whatsoever to snuff out the Blog Progmeister.”
* * *
Poirot read through my notes with great interest, and complimented me on my eye for detail. “But, mon ami,” he said, “You have forgotten one leetle detail.”
“I say, Poirot, whatever do you mean?”
“You forget that BB works with students and does not detest immigrants.”
“What does that have to do with it?”
“The murderer himself confessed without meaning to do so, when he wrote about ‘woke poncey student types’.
“That’s right. It was … ExPro!”
Onna telly this week
Friday 22nd January
| Scarlets 10 – 13 Cardiff | 20:00 |
Saturday 23rd January
| 13:00 | Bulls v Lions | Sky Sports Arena |
| 13:00 | Zebre v Edinburgh | Premier Sports 2 |
| 14:30 | Western Province v Sharks | Sky Sports Arena |
| 19:35 | Munster v Leinster | Premier Sports 2 |
Sunday 24th January
| Connacht v Ospreys | 15:00 | TG4 / FreeSports |
Ovally Balls 
Lovely stuff Thaum.
*This is next door neighbour’s cat posing as BB*
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Good work, thaum.
Bulls 11-0 at the naartjies. Steyn got another penalty after the 40 mins.
Young winger Stravino Jacobs is very powerful and very quick. Extremely impressive.
Cornal Hendricks is still a top rugby player.
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Brilliant Thauma! That you manged to cast aspersions on all and sundry whilst tightly gripping the banhammer of destruction behind your back lest Poirot turn his unflinching gaze on you. By the bye, was BB bludgeoned with a banhammer? If not, why not?
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Jacobs looks good. Lions with 9 handling errors isn’t helping their cause.
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Warner’s not up to much at half back for the Lions .
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14-0 Bulls. Lions really need to cut out the errors and get on the scoreboard.
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That’s brilliant from the Lions! Great continuity and young Willem Alberts rounds it off!
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Neat attack and Billy Alberts crashes over.
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14-7 and game on!
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Piss. Francke Horn to Simelane and good night.
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Annoyingly, the Lions have a few players I really like.
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Two in two minutes! Will Rasta look at the kick ahead? Simelane gets the try! 14-all! Bulls are finished! And I’ve got the rear end of one (or part thereof) on a rotisserie. Slowly bleeding it out, just like at Loftus!
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Bugger. Penalty Bloody Bulls. Steyn will kick for posts. Useless tit pushes it wide from in front! Albeit 50m out.
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By the bye, was BB bludgeoned with a banhammer? If not, why not?
I think we’ll have to ask the cat.
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Rasta blowing the Lions off the park now. 4 penalties in a couple of minutes. Some of them correct. Bulls drive it over from the lineout. Steyn slots the extras, 21-14.
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Indisciplined Joburgers.
Marvin Orie with a yellow.
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Orie carded for a high tackle on soft Duane Vermeulen. Things not going well. 9 of the last 10 penalties have gone against the Lions.
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Another one going now. Cheating Lions.
Morne Steyn shrugged off Willem Alberts in the attack. Alberts gets the yellow to match his red face.
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Both Lions locks in the bin now as Alberts is binned for two fouls in the red zone. Surprisingly, the Bulls opt for the scrum 5. And being on new props. Think we all know what the result’s gonna be.
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Jacobs in for his second. Bulls didn’t go for the penalty try after all! Did he ground it fairly though? Looks like a knock on to me. And it is! Still a penalty advantage. Shit.
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Strav in for a try now. Easy-peasy. Nice chip by Chris Smith.
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Thauma that was delightfully bonkers. Well done.
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Luons with the penalty and 5m lineout. They blow it. And that’s surely the match. FD would be loving the penalty count against the Lions. Simelane almost gets through the gap, but his offload to sleeper agent Odendaal is spilled. All over! Bulls deserved winners. Shit! Lions hero Odendaal gives the scoreline a bit of respectability with a try after the siren. Lions took it through multiple phases, almost batching it, with half the Bulls side already gouging beer in the changerooms.
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Lions get a consolation from Burger Odendaal. 26-21.
They need to read the Law Book before their next match as gave away about a gajillion penalties.
Anyway, Bulls’ll need to be better next week as the Sharks/Province won’t be as generous as the dirty Lions.
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* Lions
** botching
*** fuck off autocorrect.
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Sorry that last one was meant to be TomP. Bloody autocorrect.
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Am surprised the Lions lost, Deebee. A final, yes, they lose them but you’re normally quite good at semi-finals.
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Big thanks Thaum – complete nut-job are we?
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Slade – yes.
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Good – that’s ok – and reassuring
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I thought so.
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Scaling down, TomP. Although we’d have murdered the Sharks next week. Sliced and diced BB as part of the warm up routine obviously.
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Edinburgh 10-3 up at Zebre. Didn’t realise the game was on. Spent the afternoon doing a roast beef and roast potatoes, so missed much of the rugby. Now squinting though one eye after a skinful of wine to cool me down at the fire. I’m a tit.
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But a joyously pickled one on a beautiful summer’s evening.
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10-13. A couple of scores whilst I wasn’t focused . Think this will go down to the wire. No idea about the match.
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Watching it as well, Deebee. One of the Edinburgh replacements has a wild look in his eyes. Hope he doesn’t get on as might do something dangerous. Probably with, i dunno, 10 or 12 minutes left or something.
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Phone is about to die. I blame Thauma in the lounge with the banhamm
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Mmm … roast beef. My favourite. Especially when I splurge and get the sirloin joint from the butcher.
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I miss tcod’s wee pics of Thomond Park just before kick-off.
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Nice atl Thaum, I missed the Cluedo episode so I can only say, It wasnae me.
There was a Ukranian guy who worked on the farm I used to do summer jobs at whilst at school, he always said, “it wasnae me”, even when you saw him do it, like when about four of us saw him drive a tractor into a shed door, “it wasnae me”, or more accurately “fuckin, it wasnae me” he always started sentences with either “fuckin” or “bugger now”
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Munster up 10-0 against the Blue Meanies after 12 minutes!
@Ticht, did you see the Dea Matrona link(s) I put up? Thought you’d like ’em.
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I didn’t see it Thaum, I’ll go looking though.
I can’t be doing with this lockdown malarkey, I’ve never been so busy without leaving the house.
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Just put ’em in YouTube – they’re Belfast buskers.
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Larmour’s step there was pure filth, it deserved a score
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After a sustained period of Meanie pressure, Munster get a turnover on their own try-line. Hooray!
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Meanies get a couple of penalties, including one four minutes into overtime, and it’s 10-6 at oranges.
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Hanrahan misses a sitter, after having bounced one off the posts earlier.
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Think iks has a particularly guilty demeanour
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Sexton seems to have pulled a hammie & is going off. Hanrahan also off (not such a great loss).
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Think iks has a particularly guilty demeanour
Says the cutlets llama.
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