The intense interest aroused in the public by what was known at the time as “The OvallyBalls Case” has now somewhat subsided. Nevertheless, in view of the world-wide notoriety which attended it, I have been asked, both by my friend Poirot and the blogmembers themselves, to write an account of the whole story. This, we trust, will effectually silence the sensational rumours which still persist.
It all began when a chap named BorderBoy idly commented, “Wonder who’ll end up killing me first?” BB, as he was affectionately called, seemed only to be referring to a domestic situation engendered by the current lockdown, but his comment brought on a sinister load of abuse, invective and general rotterness.
Poirot, knowing my aptitude for these kinds of cases, has asked me to transcribe my characterisation of the main suspects at this point in the proceedings.
Suspects
OurTerry
Far from having any sympathy for BB’s imminent demise, OT raged that “This lockdown and home schooling has already cost me 250 quid for a better router.”
He later tries to cover his tracks by suggesting that a fancy new router can distract one from the woes of lockdown.
Chimpie
Chimpie seemed to sympathise at first, when he commented that “Lockdown and home schooling is costing me my sanity”, but quickly made it All About Himself when he went on to say “And a melbury. Can I moan about electricians not turning up when they’re supposed to?”
Must investigate this Melbury fellow. Sounds unreliable.
Craigsman
This utter bounder’s callous response to BB’s plaintive question was “Hard to say. There’s so many to choose from.”
I shall keep an eye on him.
Deebee7
His comment that “It’s at times like this that I’m glad my sprog was born 26 years ago…” may seem innocuous, and even supportive of BB, but does it hide darker thoughts?
* * *
Just as I had finished writing out these incisive insights, BB surprised us all by posting again: “Daughter 2 (at the posh end of the table) is 27 and working from home (and still staying here, despite her best efforts to leave).”
What could this signify? I mean, we all thought he was dead. Perhaps, I thought to myself, it is a coded message from his killer, who has hijacked his login. In which case, what could ‘the posh end of a table’ mean? Could it be that BB, posing as a humble librarian, was actually a person so wealthy that his table stretched to different post-codes.
And I fear for his captive daughter, who probably has auburn hair and is rather beautiful.
* * *
A new suspect has emerged.
A dubious character named ClydeMillarWynant has responded to OT’s comment about the £250 router with “My lot will just have to get behind with their wodwork.”
What could this mean? What are these wods they’re working on, and why should they get behind with it?
He also goes on to show an unnatural interest in the case:
“BB listed the candidates. They were Mrs BB, Daughter 2 and, somewhat bizarrely, Chimpie.
“It’s not many when you think about it.”
He then makes suspicious distractions around fractions and cricket. Well, that’s just not cricket. I have my eye on you, you rotter.
* * *
A very disturbing conversation then took place.
The murderer, posing as BB again, wrote, “Think we can safely rule Chimpie out as one of my killers. Next door neighbour’s cat keeps giving me evil looks though, so may count him in.”
This heightened my suspicions of Chimpie (who, by the way, is a llama). It’s preposterous that it could be a cat.
The scoundrel then had the effrontery to reply under his own moniker, “It’s all right BB why would I want to kill you? It’s not like I could eat you or anything…. Legally.”
But then Craigsman remarked that he now has “a rather gruesome image of BB toasted on one side, covered with a massive pile of cheese, being slid under a grill.” And I suspect he has his neighbours tied up with wire.
Chimpie responded, “I’d probably go for charbroiled cutlets. Or maybe even a pot roast.”
To which MisterIks, a known Prog-hater, suspiciously replied, “Well I’m in the clear. No motive whatsoever to snuff out the Blog Progmeister.”
* * *
Poirot read through my notes with great interest, and complimented me on my eye for detail. “But, mon ami,” he said, “You have forgotten one leetle detail.”
“I say, Poirot, whatever do you mean?”
“You forget that BB works with students and does not detest immigrants.”
“What does that have to do with it?”
“The murderer himself confessed without meaning to do so, when he wrote about ‘woke poncey student types’.
“That’s right. It was … ExPro!”
Onna telly this week
Friday 22nd January
| Scarlets 10 – 13 Cardiff | 20:00 |
Saturday 23rd January
| 13:00 | Bulls v Lions | Sky Sports Arena |
| 13:00 | Zebre v Edinburgh | Premier Sports 2 |
| 14:30 | Western Province v Sharks | Sky Sports Arena |
| 19:35 | Munster v Leinster | Premier Sports 2 |
Sunday 24th January
| Connacht v Ospreys | 15:00 | TG4 / FreeSports |
Ovally Balls 
Munster turn it over on their own try-line again. Fab.
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Watching embra is not good for my health. Usual failure to turn pressure into points. Then thought wed borkrd it with the yellow and Taylor seeing red (on his return from 3 months out with a broken face)
Thankfully got over the line though
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Not guilty m’lady
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It’s not often you get to call a wrong move from Leinster, but when you’ve got a breakdown monster like Beirne having a go at several rucks you know he’s going to get one of them. They should have moved it wide.
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It was actually an okay watch I thought, Chimpie, though if Zebre had been half decent we’d have lost
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I’m finding dry January difficult tonight, mostly through boredom
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Only a week to go ticht
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I just have an expectation that we’ll collapse at some point
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If – and that’s a very BIG if – I were tempted to do a dry month, it certainly wouldn’t be January. Short days, miserable weather, and as long a month as it gets.
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Ben Healy is very good.
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Who are this blue clad rabble?
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Marvellous comment timing, llama face
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Fucking Leinster score a try through Larmour. That would drive me to drink, if nothing else.
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The worst timing ever by Chimpie.
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This is where I miss the crowds the most, Thomond would be jumping right now
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Bah. Blue Meanies win it by 3 points.
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Two strong teams and a tough game that.
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They are some team.
I enjoyed that.
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Iks is always guilty.
Mind you, so is Chimpie.
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Bugger – programme on Sky Arts about Scots Indie music in the 80s. Saw it earlier and meant to record it. Will try to catch it another time.
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Watching embra is not good for my health.
And there it was. The killer in plain sight. Should’ve been obvious.
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Embra kills blog too. Poirot is fired.
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Next installment of murder happens at 3pm UK time when Connacht slaughter Ospreys.
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48 minutes to murder. Am I predicting a result or wishing time away? Or dusting off a previously unpublished Agatha Christie?
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hopefully, the latter
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Hairsprays have a chance at an early lead! Oh. Gone for the lineout.
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Slade, only if they had smartphones when Aggie was scribbling.
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Lovely score! Looked like they’d blown the chance but kept the ball going through the hands through the phases for some kid called George to dot down.
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Ospreys trying to move the ball out their 22 from the restart, but going nowhere fast until they get a penalty. Sound down so no idea what for. They’re looking good keeping ball in hand, making ground, keeping Connacht honest and then boot the ball away.
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Another penalty in the corner and they’re knock, knocking, knocking on Connacht’s door. Until a knock on. And conceding a scrum penalty. Connacht’s 10 looks about 10.
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Ospreys clearance charged down but they scramble it out to the 22. Ospreys getvthe ball and two fabulous treacle-toed charges by first the hooker then the lock see them in the Connacht 22! Then spill it. Doing well so far though! Ah, shit! Another scrum penalty against your Welsh heroes.
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Deebs goes all quiet when Connacht score.
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I’m wanting Connacht to score loads now.
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Stepped away for 15 minutes to prep steak and ale pies and the Evil Irish* have gone 10-5 up with a penalty to come on the HT hooter
* Is it wrong that this slides off the tongue so naturally and easily? Answers on a banhammer of choice delivered gently.
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And it’s a yellow for the lovely Welsh fellow for the trifling infringement of collapsing the maul. Repeatedly. Scrum 5 Connacht. And a quick move off the back of the scrum and they’re over! 17-5 at oranges. A travesty, surely.
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Bang, bang, thauma’s silver hammer….
Go Connacht!!
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Uh-oh, the Weevils have scored again.
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And again!
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Connacht re-take the lead with a penalty.
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Weevils get the BP try.
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Pies in the oven and Ospreys have turned up the heat!
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90 seconds to go. Can they avoid screwing it up?
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Oh well. Honestly, Connacht didn’t deserve to win that – too many mistakes; terrible tackling.
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Ospreys win! And screw up my Bru prediction!
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Just for TomP, the beautiful Liverpool are taking me through the heights of ecstasy and depths of despair on a minute by minute basis at the moment. Our injury ravaged heroes are going toe toe with Evil MU. 2-2
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Or a Desmond as we call it here.
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Great free kick. Allison probably should have had it covered. But it really was inch perfect. Fuck.
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At least they finally scored a goal.
In British universities a lower second-class degree was called a Desmond back in the day. Douglas for a third. And a Geoff for a first.
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Douglas Hurd, Geoff Hurst, Desmond? Not Tutu, surely?
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A 2-2 score is frequently called a Desmond ‘Tutu’ by the sports media here – especially by Sky. Although a lot of them won’t have any idea who Desmond is.
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