It was a beautiful day inside the Space X Dome, this past Satursol, as the New Cardiff Legends played out the first Martian-wide final against their bitter rivals the Valles Marineris Miners. Both teams were the respective champions of their regional championships last year, so it was apt that these two giants of the sport met in the first championship final that encompassed all of the Martian worlds.
Despite their regional dominance, neither side had an easy passage to the final: the Miners had a troubled journey off-planet to Deimos to face this inaugural season’s surprise package, the Isuzu Southern Kings, in the semi final. The former Pro14 team – recently relocated to an underground base on the bad moon – have made good use of their unique 5G pitch and honed their grubber kick and chase tactics to perfection.
Sadly, it was not to be their sol as the visiting team benefited from a controversial sending off of the Kings’ star player – a clone of Phil Dollman – after a case of mistaken identity. The original Phil Dollman was adjudged to have raked the thighs of the Miners’ inside tighthead according to replays shown to all with access to BT Mars Sport (and those watching via streamed methods), which left the hosts having to play with just one full back. The Miners turned the Kings’ own grubber-and-run tactic on the home team as Valles captain Maxim Gargalic scored a try to go with two three point conversions and a rouge.
The Legends, meanwhile, did at least have the luxury of a massive semi [Ed: you all know what to say here] in the comfort of their own home. In the shadow of Olympus Mons, at the New Arms Park, the self-styled greatest club in the solar system overcame a plucky Arabia Terra Terrors team. Led by player-coach Thretton Palamo, the Terrors were in front by two scores to one and a half at the one-third turn, but were ultimately punished by a well-drilled Legends team. With a strong performance in both the upper and lower maul, the capital city slickers scored 11 final third tries, two rouges and three half-tries, the final of which went to fan-favourite, 53 year old Fau Filise. Cheered on by a home crowd basking in the late afternoon sol, the Legends put this one to bed just before New Caroline Street opened for business.
And so, to the final. The build up was somewhat tarnished by a Twitter spat between Miners star player Joe Marler (heavily linked with a move back to Terra at the Bristol Bears) and his Legends counterpart Gerald Davies 2.0. What may have started out as friendly banter only spilled over into mean-spirited heckling, cajoling and poorly thought out, irrelevant memes. If Martian rugby is to gain the respect that it has on the home planet, then it must place a ban on such pre-match behaviour. New Dublin-based Martian Rugby should not leave this boil unfestered.
As to the match itself, and for such a big occasion, the first two-thirds were nothing to write home about. Literally. Both teams were running on Earth time and didn’t turn up for kick off. President Elon Musk decreed that there would be no refunds for the two-thirds with no action and the capacity 300,000 crowd silently nodded in agreement as the third third kicked off. The Legends soon took the early-but-actually-quite-late initiative by kicking a rouge directly from kick off. In what must bring in a law change in time for next season, the Legends chose to use a lighter ball to kick off with which immediately sailed to the roof of the stadium to earn the game’s first point. However, the Miners soon got into the swing of it by making ground with their innovative knock on ploy. All year the Miners have made yardage due to their lack of handling skillz, and Satursol was no exception. Marler was held up just short of the half-try line and new signing Ruaridh Jackson knocked back rather than on with the same dotted line at his mercy.
The latter action resulted in Gerald Davies 2.0 sweeping up the loose ball and 19 sidesteps later he was under the Y-shaped posts for a full score of eight points. Filise converted from the touchline to add the extra three before President Musk dropped his handkerchief signalling the end of the match. Veteran captain Ioan Lloyd lifted the trophy – a Model Y Tesla handcrafted from the finest Martian calcium – to a backdrop of a grinning President.
The stadium soon emptied as the Legends fans – using their scarves as makeshift masks – departed to catch the last Tesla shuttle back to New Cardiff. For the Valles supporters, well, their journey would not begin until the following sol as public transport links are not yet well-developed in the boonies and the Musk submarine can only take two passengers at a time.
I am sure that there are Terra-dwellers reading this on their puny internet who have only seen highlights and do not yet fully appreciate that the game here has evolved into something that they are too dim to comprehend, but please note: this time next year a Mars team will travel to Terra for a three match series and, believe me, if you think that your Richie McCaw, your Gerald Davies (1.0), your Mathieu Bastareaud or your Ned Hanigan can save you, then you are grossly mistaken. We’re coming.
Reportage by intrepid OvallyBalls operative and space expert Yosoy.
On the telly this week
Friday 13th December
| Castres 22 – 10 Enisei-STM | 17:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Brive 24 – 10 Zebre | 19:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Harlequins 10 – 24 Ulster | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Racing 40 – 27 Ospreys | 19:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Dragons 25 – 16 Worcester | 20:00 | epcrugby.com |
Saturday 14th December
| Connacht 27 – 24 Gloucester | 12:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 25 – 22 Lyon | 12:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Bordeaux 33 – 6 Agen | 13:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Calvisano v Leicester | 13:30 | epcrugby.com |
| Saracens v Munster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Toulouse | 15:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| London Irish v Toulon | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Wasps v Edinburgh | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Leinster v Northampton | 17:15 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Glasgow v La Rochelle | 17:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Scarlets 46 – 5 Bayonne | 19:45 | S4C / epcrugby.com BT Sport 3 |
| Stade Français 16 – 18 Bristol | 20:00 | epcrugby.com / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 15th December
| Exeter 25 – 10 Sale | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Clermont 52 – 26 Bath | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
“My chess experience tells me that there probably is another world in this world.”
Now, that’s my kind of thinking.
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Thauma knows how to rub the guilt in.
GWS Thauma, sounds like a horrible stumble. Target/reward: fit for the 6N.
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I read GWS as GSW, and wondered how a gun was involved in the wounding of Thaum.
GWS Thaum.
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Ospreys v Legends:
Pretty nonsensical that it’s a couple of days before Christmas and it’s Tipuric’s first club match of the season.
Olympic Diving Champion on the bench for the Legends.
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Embra
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Powderpuffs
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Not looking too powder-puffy actually
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Reckon it could be a close one. Weedgies with their backs to the wall after a run of pish results.
Think we’ll do them over next week though
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Former Blues player Nick Williams is regarded as one of the hard men of European rugby.
But the 1.91-metre, 130-kilogram Cardiff Blues No 8 was reduced to a tears when his rugby team surprised him by flying over his mother from New Zealand to watch him play for the first time in more than a decade.
Legend.
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I never realized he hadn’t played in that long.
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@avs
Good short video, that is. Even I cried one single salty tear.
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Aye – agreed.
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He’s a big lad, is Our Nick.
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“your”
Exeter side to humble Leicester this w/end:
15 Stuart Hogg, 14 Olly Woodburn, 13 Henry Slade (capt), 12 Ollie Devoto, 11 Ian Whitten
10 Gareth Steenson, 9 Jack Maunder
1 Ben Moon, 2 Elvis Taione, 3 Harry Williams, 4 Jannes Kirsten, 5 Jonny Hill, 6 Don Armand, 7 Jacques Vermeulen
8 Matt Kvesic
16 Kyle Cooper, 17 Billy Keast, 18 Enrique Pieretto, 19 Dave Dennis, 20 Sean Lonsdale, 21 Stuart Townsend, 22 Sam Hill, 23 Tom Hendrickson
lots and lots rested – I hope they haven’t over-cooked it!
First club starts for Cooper and Pieretto and welcome returns for Devoto and Townsend.
In addition, first starts this season for Steenson, Maunder, Keast, Lonsdale.
And I’m captain – it’ll all fall apart, I tells ye………………………………
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…………..lots of competition for places in the club now as the injury list is short at the moment.
Plus, wanting to have best 23 available against Saracens the following w/end.
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I’ve just replaced the battery in this laptop – it’s always a worry that things get screwed up – but seems ok so far………….
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This is against tiggers, though. Solid cultural appropriator victory in store
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Some great laughs in the team of the decade options. https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/rugby-union/50840365
Danny Care is the best scrum half of the decade.
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Traumaturge…
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Hasn’t Care written columns or done podcasts for the Beeb?
(*Pete n Dud voice*) Funny…
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Ron at full back!
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Just looked at link, and there he is with Ugo.
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Great pic of a cross-eyed Maro squeezing the ball flat though.
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Ouch, hope you get pampered appropriately by the Mister, Thaum.
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Made it home via the local A&E, as instructed, with a plentiful supply of good drugs. I may think about putting some sort of thread up.
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And thanks, everyone, for your good wishes!
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SBT – I suspect he’s wondering what he’s done to deserve this.
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Liambility signed for the Scarlets it seems. Moriarty tipped to leave the Drags for the Ohs. All fine from my side.
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*Falls off chair*
Ollie Griffiths is out injured for Llanelli game.
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Ten-minute warning!
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