It was a beautiful day inside the Space X Dome, this past Satursol, as the New Cardiff Legends played out the first Martian-wide final against their bitter rivals the Valles Marineris Miners. Both teams were the respective champions of their regional championships last year, so it was apt that these two giants of the sport met in the first championship final that encompassed all of the Martian worlds.
Despite their regional dominance, neither side had an easy passage to the final: the Miners had a troubled journey off-planet to Deimos to face this inaugural season’s surprise package, the Isuzu Southern Kings, in the semi final. The former Pro14 team – recently relocated to an underground base on the bad moon – have made good use of their unique 5G pitch and honed their grubber kick and chase tactics to perfection.
Sadly, it was not to be their sol as the visiting team benefited from a controversial sending off of the Kings’ star player – a clone of Phil Dollman – after a case of mistaken identity. The original Phil Dollman was adjudged to have raked the thighs of the Miners’ inside tighthead according to replays shown to all with access to BT Mars Sport (and those watching via streamed methods), which left the hosts having to play with just one full back. The Miners turned the Kings’ own grubber-and-run tactic on the home team as Valles captain Maxim Gargalic scored a try to go with two three point conversions and a rouge.
The Legends, meanwhile, did at least have the luxury of a massive semi [Ed: you all know what to say here] in the comfort of their own home. In the shadow of Olympus Mons, at the New Arms Park, the self-styled greatest club in the solar system overcame a plucky Arabia Terra Terrors team. Led by player-coach Thretton Palamo, the Terrors were in front by two scores to one and a half at the one-third turn, but were ultimately punished by a well-drilled Legends team. With a strong performance in both the upper and lower maul, the capital city slickers scored 11 final third tries, two rouges and three half-tries, the final of which went to fan-favourite, 53 year old Fau Filise. Cheered on by a home crowd basking in the late afternoon sol, the Legends put this one to bed just before New Caroline Street opened for business.
And so, to the final. The build up was somewhat tarnished by a Twitter spat between Miners star player Joe Marler (heavily linked with a move back to Terra at the Bristol Bears) and his Legends counterpart Gerald Davies 2.0. What may have started out as friendly banter only spilled over into mean-spirited heckling, cajoling and poorly thought out, irrelevant memes. If Martian rugby is to gain the respect that it has on the home planet, then it must place a ban on such pre-match behaviour. New Dublin-based Martian Rugby should not leave this boil unfestered.
As to the match itself, and for such a big occasion, the first two-thirds were nothing to write home about. Literally. Both teams were running on Earth time and didn’t turn up for kick off. President Elon Musk decreed that there would be no refunds for the two-thirds with no action and the capacity 300,000 crowd silently nodded in agreement as the third third kicked off. The Legends soon took the early-but-actually-quite-late initiative by kicking a rouge directly from kick off. In what must bring in a law change in time for next season, the Legends chose to use a lighter ball to kick off with which immediately sailed to the roof of the stadium to earn the game’s first point. However, the Miners soon got into the swing of it by making ground with their innovative knock on ploy. All year the Miners have made yardage due to their lack of handling skillz, and Satursol was no exception. Marler was held up just short of the half-try line and new signing Ruaridh Jackson knocked back rather than on with the same dotted line at his mercy.
The latter action resulted in Gerald Davies 2.0 sweeping up the loose ball and 19 sidesteps later he was under the Y-shaped posts for a full score of eight points. Filise converted from the touchline to add the extra three before President Musk dropped his handkerchief signalling the end of the match. Veteran captain Ioan Lloyd lifted the trophy – a Model Y Tesla handcrafted from the finest Martian calcium – to a backdrop of a grinning President.
The stadium soon emptied as the Legends fans – using their scarves as makeshift masks – departed to catch the last Tesla shuttle back to New Cardiff. For the Valles supporters, well, their journey would not begin until the following sol as public transport links are not yet well-developed in the boonies and the Musk submarine can only take two passengers at a time.
I am sure that there are Terra-dwellers reading this on their puny internet who have only seen highlights and do not yet fully appreciate that the game here has evolved into something that they are too dim to comprehend, but please note: this time next year a Mars team will travel to Terra for a three match series and, believe me, if you think that your Richie McCaw, your Gerald Davies (1.0), your Mathieu Bastareaud or your Ned Hanigan can save you, then you are grossly mistaken. We’re coming.
Reportage by intrepid OvallyBalls operative and space expert Yosoy.
On the telly this week
Friday 13th December
| Castres 22 – 10 Enisei-STM | 17:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Brive 24 – 10 Zebre | 19:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Harlequins 10 – 24 Ulster | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Racing 40 – 27 Ospreys | 19:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Dragons 25 – 16 Worcester | 20:00 | epcrugby.com |
Saturday 14th December
| Connacht 27 – 24 Gloucester | 12:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 25 – 22 Lyon | 12:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Bordeaux 33 – 6 Agen | 13:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Calvisano v Leicester | 13:30 | epcrugby.com |
| Saracens v Munster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Toulouse | 15:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| London Irish v Toulon | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Wasps v Edinburgh | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Leinster v Northampton | 17:15 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Glasgow v La Rochelle | 17:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Scarlets 46 – 5 Bayonne | 19:45 | S4C / epcrugby.com BT Sport 3 |
| Stade Français 16 – 18 Bristol | 20:00 | epcrugby.com / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 15th December
| Exeter 25 – 10 Sale | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Clermont 52 – 26 Bath | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
I know that despite Brexit, the election, Trump’s impeachment and global climate change there is only really one thing on people’s mind.
I can confirm that Mrs Craig’s will start on -2 vs the woman who had the -12 handicap.
Sleep easy everyone.
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I can believe the ridiculous part, I have hope about the great bit.
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Crimbo eve is designated as episode 9 day in the chimpie household
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well that’s a relief, craigs
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So who’s off to see cats at the cinema then?
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Chimpie – that’s basically softcore porn for furries. So Cat, I reckon.
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I’m sure it’ll be right up his street.
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“I can’t remember anything really from the final.”
Me neither Kyle. Did we win?
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Work team ‘Christmas’ lunch today. Looking forward to my lasagne and chips immensely.
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@yosoy
stick it on a buttie.
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At my Xmas lunch I ordered pigs in blanket as a side dish. The waitresses started to share them round. I asked them if I could have all mine and they said it wasn’t what they normally did with sides.
I said it wasn’t what I normally do with sides unless people ask. In which case I’m happy to share.
It ended in a stale mate with them sharing out the sides and me leaving them a shitty review on trip advisor.
Fuck Christmas.
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Craigs:
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That’ll learn them good.
Considering a bad review if the chips are served in the wrong kind of dish.
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No one finds it interesting that the Beast is going to play in North America?
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Gwan, Mrs Craigs!
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@Craigs – that’s about as much a stalemate as Corbyn “winning the argument” in the election. You’ve been stitched up like a kipper there. Gutted for you. I hate to see it, I really do!
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Me neither Kyle. Did we win?
At a canter. Best performance in decades. Feast on it here:
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Watched it for you all. LADOAB, I can confirm that Beast was dreamy in his destruction of Old King Cole (stuffed him up his hole).
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Deebee – for some reason I can’t play that. Is it behind a pay wall?
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Wee Greeg calls time on his international refereeing career.
He’s had his critics, but no one could doubt his commitment to and passion for the cause of Scottish rugby.
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Lasagne and chips no more than a 6/10. The company was about a 5.
I feel like Deebee onna tight budget.
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Craigs I’ll ask two time World Cup winner Fat Frans Steyn if he can send you a better link.
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Lasagne sounds pretty good right now Yos, maybe without the office company though! Feed the chips to CJ’s gulls.
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Ticht, a great servant of Scottish rugby. Hope he gets involved in coaching at some stage.
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Deebee, there is an extended interview with him on the SRU site and he says he wants to get involved in coaching when his playing days are fully done.
I think he has the makings of a good coach.
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Wee Greig a definite legend
should transfer his skillz to actual reffing.
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Or coaching
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‘Kyle Sinckler says he has no recollection of England’s World Cup final defeat after being knocked unconscious early in the match.’
Nasty.
Had something similar when a bunch of wee shites chucked a 9 y.o chimpie down a grass bank. can barely remember the rest of that day.
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Leeds RL 5ft 5 half back legend Rob Burrow diagnosed with MND at the age of 37. Dreadful state of affairs – brilliant player who never let his size stop him
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Oh Thauma, I’m going to fail on delivering an ATL THIS WEEK! My excuses are feeble, no more than filling in for some stuff for Mrs.Iks, and generally feeling rinsed with Christmas ennui.
I am very sorry.
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@OT
There doesn’t seem to be any defense in that video…
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@LADOAB
All the defence coaches must have gone over to RU.
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Prime Minister Johnson still keen on the nonsense bridge between Scotland and Northern Ireland.
Deebee, there’ll be a lot of lunches in it if you’re interested.
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“Had something similar when a bunch of wee shites chucked a 9 y.o chimpie down a grass bank. can barely remember the rest of that day.”
Should’ve rolled.
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I can’t remember Tuesday 6 weeks ago. Was I knocked out then? Seems unlikely.
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Ffs iks. Instant employment rescinded. No pigs in blanket for you.
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Not really guys.
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For those driving home (or elsewhere) over the next few days…
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Hah! Bet you all though I’d post Driving Home For Christmas, didn’t you? No?
Ah well, here it is anyway (just hope the journey isn’t as snowy)
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See your Motorway City and raise you an Urban Guerilla.
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Gotta love Chris.
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Chris Rea knows how to run a bath
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Morning all.
Iks – apology accepted; I wouldn’t have been able to put it up on time anyway.
The reason being that I decided to make a flying 48-hour visit back home. Arrived on Weds, and we were out to the theatre on Weds night (funnily enough to see a play called ‘Driving Home for Christmas’). On the way out the door, it was dark and rainy and I missed a dark step and fell rather nastily. After a ten-minute recovery period*, decided I had banged one knee and sprained the other ankle, but we should go anyway, so we did.
*sin bin
The pain kept increasing. Got up yesterday morning in agony. Went to A&E. Have broken foot in three, possibly four, places. Knee hurts just as much, but they don’t think there’s anything properly wrong with it.
So I’m flying back home today, and with luck (and super-painkillers) will manage to get a new thread up before the end of the day.
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Ouch!
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Big festive ouch, thaum. Get on the drugz and brandy to sort that pain out.
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wow! – steady Thaum old girl………………………..
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@OT
Sad to hear – I don’t watch much RL these days (more that I don’t have the pay channels than any dislike) but it was (via the BBC/Eddie Waring) the first code of rugby I saw…. Burrow really was a mighty player for his size.
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Sorry to hear that Thaum. Hope you get better soon. At least you should get a boost from your team this weekend.
*Checks to see who Ulster are playing*
Ah.
Booze and drugz it is then.
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Jeez, thaum, not good news. Keep your chin up.
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I’m not a chess player but this is a splendid evisceration:
https://www.the-tls.co.uk/articles/from-heidegger-to-houston/
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