It was a beautiful day inside the Space X Dome, this past Satursol, as the New Cardiff Legends played out the first Martian-wide final against their bitter rivals the Valles Marineris Miners. Both teams were the respective champions of their regional championships last year, so it was apt that these two giants of the sport met in the first championship final that encompassed all of the Martian worlds.
Despite their regional dominance, neither side had an easy passage to the final: the Miners had a troubled journey off-planet to Deimos to face this inaugural season’s surprise package, the Isuzu Southern Kings, in the semi final. The former Pro14 team – recently relocated to an underground base on the bad moon – have made good use of their unique 5G pitch and honed their grubber kick and chase tactics to perfection.
Sadly, it was not to be their sol as the visiting team benefited from a controversial sending off of the Kings’ star player – a clone of Phil Dollman – after a case of mistaken identity. The original Phil Dollman was adjudged to have raked the thighs of the Miners’ inside tighthead according to replays shown to all with access to BT Mars Sport (and those watching via streamed methods), which left the hosts having to play with just one full back. The Miners turned the Kings’ own grubber-and-run tactic on the home team as Valles captain Maxim Gargalic scored a try to go with two three point conversions and a rouge.
The Legends, meanwhile, did at least have the luxury of a massive semi [Ed: you all know what to say here] in the comfort of their own home. In the shadow of Olympus Mons, at the New Arms Park, the self-styled greatest club in the solar system overcame a plucky Arabia Terra Terrors team. Led by player-coach Thretton Palamo, the Terrors were in front by two scores to one and a half at the one-third turn, but were ultimately punished by a well-drilled Legends team. With a strong performance in both the upper and lower maul, the capital city slickers scored 11 final third tries, two rouges and three half-tries, the final of which went to fan-favourite, 53 year old Fau Filise. Cheered on by a home crowd basking in the late afternoon sol, the Legends put this one to bed just before New Caroline Street opened for business.
And so, to the final. The build up was somewhat tarnished by a Twitter spat between Miners star player Joe Marler (heavily linked with a move back to Terra at the Bristol Bears) and his Legends counterpart Gerald Davies 2.0. What may have started out as friendly banter only spilled over into mean-spirited heckling, cajoling and poorly thought out, irrelevant memes. If Martian rugby is to gain the respect that it has on the home planet, then it must place a ban on such pre-match behaviour. New Dublin-based Martian Rugby should not leave this boil unfestered.
As to the match itself, and for such a big occasion, the first two-thirds were nothing to write home about. Literally. Both teams were running on Earth time and didn’t turn up for kick off. President Elon Musk decreed that there would be no refunds for the two-thirds with no action and the capacity 300,000 crowd silently nodded in agreement as the third third kicked off. The Legends soon took the early-but-actually-quite-late initiative by kicking a rouge directly from kick off. In what must bring in a law change in time for next season, the Legends chose to use a lighter ball to kick off with which immediately sailed to the roof of the stadium to earn the game’s first point. However, the Miners soon got into the swing of it by making ground with their innovative knock on ploy. All year the Miners have made yardage due to their lack of handling skillz, and Satursol was no exception. Marler was held up just short of the half-try line and new signing Ruaridh Jackson knocked back rather than on with the same dotted line at his mercy.
The latter action resulted in Gerald Davies 2.0 sweeping up the loose ball and 19 sidesteps later he was under the Y-shaped posts for a full score of eight points. Filise converted from the touchline to add the extra three before President Musk dropped his handkerchief signalling the end of the match. Veteran captain Ioan Lloyd lifted the trophy – a Model Y Tesla handcrafted from the finest Martian calcium – to a backdrop of a grinning President.
The stadium soon emptied as the Legends fans – using their scarves as makeshift masks – departed to catch the last Tesla shuttle back to New Cardiff. For the Valles supporters, well, their journey would not begin until the following sol as public transport links are not yet well-developed in the boonies and the Musk submarine can only take two passengers at a time.
I am sure that there are Terra-dwellers reading this on their puny internet who have only seen highlights and do not yet fully appreciate that the game here has evolved into something that they are too dim to comprehend, but please note: this time next year a Mars team will travel to Terra for a three match series and, believe me, if you think that your Richie McCaw, your Gerald Davies (1.0), your Mathieu Bastareaud or your Ned Hanigan can save you, then you are grossly mistaken. We’re coming.
Reportage by intrepid OvallyBalls operative and space expert Yosoy.
On the telly this week
Friday 13th December
| Castres 22 – 10 Enisei-STM | 17:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Brive 24 – 10 Zebre | 19:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Harlequins 10 – 24 Ulster | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Racing 40 – 27 Ospreys | 19:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Dragons 25 – 16 Worcester | 20:00 | epcrugby.com |
Saturday 14th December
| Connacht 27 – 24 Gloucester | 12:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 25 – 22 Lyon | 12:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Bordeaux 33 – 6 Agen | 13:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Calvisano v Leicester | 13:30 | epcrugby.com |
| Saracens v Munster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Toulouse | 15:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| London Irish v Toulon | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Wasps v Edinburgh | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Leinster v Northampton | 17:15 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Glasgow v La Rochelle | 17:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Scarlets 46 – 5 Bayonne | 19:45 | S4C / epcrugby.com BT Sport 3 |
| Stade Français 16 – 18 Bristol | 20:00 | epcrugby.com / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 15th December
| Exeter 25 – 10 Sale | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Clermont 52 – 26 Bath | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
what you on, Yoso my boy, hmmm?
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…..and good to see Maximum Garlic featuring……………………
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Nice stuff, Yos.
“The chances of ayhthing coming from Mars….”
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Is that a hthing that’s come from Mars?
Aye.
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Its a Welsh ayhthing that’s coming from Mars.
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So, are none of the Embra Posse interested/able to come to the Glasgow match then?
Mind you, there only seems to be Chimpie left. What’s happened to CJ, HBH and UTF? Have they all decided they don’t like us anymore?
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Out of this world Yos!
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Nice job, Yos. Dried shrooms ?
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Too many fried Mars bars?
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Mmmmh, quiet today, something going on to take peoples minds off rugby ?
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Can’t think what you mean, SBT … I’m just pacing the floor, quaffing brandy, and chewing my fingers off.
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… Obviously only because I’m worried about Ulster team selection for Harlequins.
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The future is frightening. Fear the future.
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It’s fucking terrifying. And that’s just the next few hours.
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The turnout is so much higher (apparently) than expected that the polls are worthless. Anything could happen.
I’m hoping ‘anything’ means a Labour majority, obvs.
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Nice little story, Yosoy.
Or should I say prediction?
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Well that’s a ghastly exit poll for labour
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Right, how about rugby then?
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Rugby is great. So is cricket.
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Jeebus christ. Think I’ll go and slit my wrists now.
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No idea what’s happened to the embra massive BB
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The brief love affair with Canadian music was… well,… brief.
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Offered a chance for real change and what they want is they want their Brexit. Also known as wanting to cut their own legs off.
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Words yos.
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Attempt #2
I just read the headline on the The Guardian.
What is wrong with people?
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For Thaum, I saw this young lady at the Ulster Community Theatre a couple of years back, so its rugby related.
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** Ulster County, NY State.
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Another Nat song, by another nice lady. Saw her at the Cambridge Corn Exchange with my big sis, a few years back, before I bailed on Blairs Britain in disgust.
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** Apologies for the Sag displeasing lack of apostrophe.
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Thaum, before every dawn , there is a sunset.
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Guess the Juke box is up to me then.
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Fucking hell.
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** Saw Billy in Northampton, Mass, a coupe of years back, at a low point. Nice ride, great gig.
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Mmmm. Levellers in Ramsgate with the lovely Babs?
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Next one difficult. All roads lead to NMA, and as I am drinking for the Uk tonite, ( day off tomorrow). All contemplative, cos I reckon Corbyn is the best Labour PM I have seen in my lifetime, and it isn’t going to happen.
So have two:-
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Leone Nakarawa signs with Glasgow;
https://www.rugbyrama.fr/rugby/transferts/2018-2019/transferts-nakarawa-file-aux-fidji-et-signe-a-glasgow_sto7573431/story.shtml
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Not saying US is pretty, but its not MY country, so I am not politically invested. When in Rome…..
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The other day when I temporarily found myself unable to communicate other than through the medium of that Flaubert letter I did hold one back.
I’ve become a patriot. Watching my country die, I feel that I loved her.
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CMW, it cannot die, only evolve. Your real cricket updates make me remember the best of times for me as a Sunday ‘a’s opening batsmen, ( no talent but an ability to survive), and everyone in the Uk will wake up and go to work in the morning like yesterday, and if the assholes get in again, fight harder on a local level to preserve what is honest and honourable.
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SBT – to some extent that’s true though it feels pretty shit right now. I strongly suspect it will be a smaller UK though as Scotland will surely look to find a way out.
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Glad the Real Cricket updates still serve some purpose even if they were thin on the ground last season. I have put myself in a tricky position on that front recently. We’ve had winter nets the last few years and I haven’t attended any of them. Same as last time round the ones coming up clash with my eldest’s swimming lessons that I take her to and as she’s a pretty useless swimmer and takes an age to move up a group I’ve told them I’d get 500 runs and 30 wickets next season if only I could attend some nets. I now see that I could actually attend the first one and am quite tempted, but I know what they’re all going to say…
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Scores on the doors last season were 150-odd and maybe 7.
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No, it wasn’t a bad dream this time. This has really happened.
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Life goes on, I s’pose Thoroughly down-hearted.
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Small bright spots: my own Labour MP has hung on to his narrow majority. Results in NI are interesting, with Nigel Dodds losing his seat and the DUP also losing Belfast North to SF. Arlene Foster’s constituency yet to declare …! (I don’t think anyone expects her to lose it though.)
Jo Swinson’s also lost her seat.
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Gobsmacked. Where does this leave the UK? Obviously on the fast track out of the EU, but what about social services? Where will the NHS, education, housing, transport, energy etc go?
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In the bin, Deebee.
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What the hell am I on about? Foster not an MP.
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Upset that what I felt deep in my NostradamIks bones came true. Yet another turn of the wheel taking us back to times I thought I’d seen the last of.
Very creative, humorous and enjoyable ATL Yosoy, great work.
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There’s a part of me that is upset that the Brexit Party candidate didn’t win Cardiff Central as he’d promised us a monorail.
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