It was a beautiful day inside the Space X Dome, this past Satursol, as the New Cardiff Legends played out the first Martian-wide final against their bitter rivals the Valles Marineris Miners. Both teams were the respective champions of their regional championships last year, so it was apt that these two giants of the sport met in the first championship final that encompassed all of the Martian worlds.
Despite their regional dominance, neither side had an easy passage to the final: the Miners had a troubled journey off-planet to Deimos to face this inaugural season’s surprise package, the Isuzu Southern Kings, in the semi final. The former Pro14 team – recently relocated to an underground base on the bad moon – have made good use of their unique 5G pitch and honed their grubber kick and chase tactics to perfection.
Sadly, it was not to be their sol as the visiting team benefited from a controversial sending off of the Kings’ star player – a clone of Phil Dollman – after a case of mistaken identity. The original Phil Dollman was adjudged to have raked the thighs of the Miners’ inside tighthead according to replays shown to all with access to BT Mars Sport (and those watching via streamed methods), which left the hosts having to play with just one full back. The Miners turned the Kings’ own grubber-and-run tactic on the home team as Valles captain Maxim Gargalic scored a try to go with two three point conversions and a rouge.
The Legends, meanwhile, did at least have the luxury of a massive semi [Ed: you all know what to say here] in the comfort of their own home. In the shadow of Olympus Mons, at the New Arms Park, the self-styled greatest club in the solar system overcame a plucky Arabia Terra Terrors team. Led by player-coach Thretton Palamo, the Terrors were in front by two scores to one and a half at the one-third turn, but were ultimately punished by a well-drilled Legends team. With a strong performance in both the upper and lower maul, the capital city slickers scored 11 final third tries, two rouges and three half-tries, the final of which went to fan-favourite, 53 year old Fau Filise. Cheered on by a home crowd basking in the late afternoon sol, the Legends put this one to bed just before New Caroline Street opened for business.
And so, to the final. The build up was somewhat tarnished by a Twitter spat between Miners star player Joe Marler (heavily linked with a move back to Terra at the Bristol Bears) and his Legends counterpart Gerald Davies 2.0. What may have started out as friendly banter only spilled over into mean-spirited heckling, cajoling and poorly thought out, irrelevant memes. If Martian rugby is to gain the respect that it has on the home planet, then it must place a ban on such pre-match behaviour. New Dublin-based Martian Rugby should not leave this boil unfestered.
As to the match itself, and for such a big occasion, the first two-thirds were nothing to write home about. Literally. Both teams were running on Earth time and didn’t turn up for kick off. President Elon Musk decreed that there would be no refunds for the two-thirds with no action and the capacity 300,000 crowd silently nodded in agreement as the third third kicked off. The Legends soon took the early-but-actually-quite-late initiative by kicking a rouge directly from kick off. In what must bring in a law change in time for next season, the Legends chose to use a lighter ball to kick off with which immediately sailed to the roof of the stadium to earn the game’s first point. However, the Miners soon got into the swing of it by making ground with their innovative knock on ploy. All year the Miners have made yardage due to their lack of handling skillz, and Satursol was no exception. Marler was held up just short of the half-try line and new signing Ruaridh Jackson knocked back rather than on with the same dotted line at his mercy.
The latter action resulted in Gerald Davies 2.0 sweeping up the loose ball and 19 sidesteps later he was under the Y-shaped posts for a full score of eight points. Filise converted from the touchline to add the extra three before President Musk dropped his handkerchief signalling the end of the match. Veteran captain Ioan Lloyd lifted the trophy – a Model Y Tesla handcrafted from the finest Martian calcium – to a backdrop of a grinning President.
The stadium soon emptied as the Legends fans – using their scarves as makeshift masks – departed to catch the last Tesla shuttle back to New Cardiff. For the Valles supporters, well, their journey would not begin until the following sol as public transport links are not yet well-developed in the boonies and the Musk submarine can only take two passengers at a time.
I am sure that there are Terra-dwellers reading this on their puny internet who have only seen highlights and do not yet fully appreciate that the game here has evolved into something that they are too dim to comprehend, but please note: this time next year a Mars team will travel to Terra for a three match series and, believe me, if you think that your Richie McCaw, your Gerald Davies (1.0), your Mathieu Bastareaud or your Ned Hanigan can save you, then you are grossly mistaken. We’re coming.
Reportage by intrepid OvallyBalls operative and space expert Yosoy.
On the telly this week
Friday 13th December
| Castres 22 – 10 Enisei-STM | 17:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Brive 24 – 10 Zebre | 19:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Harlequins 10 – 24 Ulster | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Racing 40 – 27 Ospreys | 19:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Dragons 25 – 16 Worcester | 20:00 | epcrugby.com |
Saturday 14th December
| Connacht 27 – 24 Gloucester | 12:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 25 – 22 Lyon | 12:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Bordeaux 33 – 6 Agen | 13:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Calvisano v Leicester | 13:30 | epcrugby.com |
| Saracens v Munster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Toulouse | 15:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| London Irish v Toulon | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Wasps v Edinburgh | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Leinster v Northampton | 17:15 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Glasgow v La Rochelle | 17:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Scarlets 46 – 5 Bayonne | 19:45 | S4C / epcrugby.com BT Sport 3 |
| Stade Français 16 – 18 Bristol | 20:00 | epcrugby.com / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 15th December
| Exeter 25 – 10 Sale | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Clermont 52 – 26 Bath | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
I’m not wrong about everything on my leisure time craigs old sausage.
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And certainly not with regards to what I think you mean.
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I’ve decided I’m as wise as a pie.
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Pfft pastries to all on Overlyballs.
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Dan Baugh is a proper Legend. Not one of these legends, but a Legend.
Gutted he’s taken the Dragonian shilling.
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Left it too late to order the Christmas turkey from the only place that does one small enough, free-range enough and affordable-good quality enough to serve on Christmas Day to my Vegan Other who makes an exception on That Day (I hate cooking).
On brink of giving up. Wish I was a bear in a cave, hybernating until forever.
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Glad to hear he’s a proper Legend Yos, wasn’t sure how he went down in Cardiff.
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Someone get Dan Walker to give Iksy a visit. “You told us you didn’t have a turkey for Christmas. Well the people from Rochdale Tech have a surprise for you” etc etc
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Thieving Drag *insert simian of choice*
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@Iksy
Top tier Legend.
When there’s a slow day soon I’ll list the tiers. That’s one for the calendar.
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Godlsmith??
Think I’ll shoot myself………………………….hard!
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Maybe I could join the House of Lords. Career turn but I believe I have transferable skills.
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One day a visit from Rochdale Tech, the next one from the Sun asking why my mother still has a scented room in the attic, and why my garden is full of thriving roses ‘neath the gazebo.
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The Sun won’t know what a gazebo is.
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Craigs, you could become a Bishop (CofE). 26 of them are in the House of Lords. You get a free house, as much wine and bread as you can handle and you only have to work really hard once a week.
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Am not sure if there are any other countries in the world that have religious leaders sitting in the legislature as a right.
I s’pose they bring experience of praying and stuff.
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Tam, mention of the Bishops has just reminded me of a line I heard on the radio a few years ago. The story began with George Michael being arrested in a public toilet in LA, I think it was. It was a trap and a total set up, but anyway, he was arrested on public indecency charges.
I little while later Peter Tatchell staged a protest at the Archbishop of Canterbury’s Easter sermon, trying to climb into the pulpit.
The guy on the radio said, “I wonder if Peter Tatchell will be as severely reprimanded as George Michael for bashing the bishop in public”.
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“Am not sure if there are any other countries in the world that have religious leaders sitting in the legislature as a right. ”
Iran?
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There was a retired Bishop and his wife that used to live next door to my outlaws in Winton in Bournemouth, but he’s gone now. They were a nice couple, very much of a type but nice enough.
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“The Sun won’t know what a gazebo is.”
They will.
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Nick Phipps interview:
https://therugbymagazine.com/club-rugby/the-nick-phipps-interview
(The writing is terrible so apologies for that)
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Most bishops of my acquaintance are unmarried and a bit like this
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God love Jim Norton. A fine actor.
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Ticht, Iran is right. Just checked. A popularly elected lower chamber and then a 12-person Guardian Council above that, 6 of whom are clerics.
It would be ludicrous to claim that it’s similar to Britain. They don’t even have a Black Rod.
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This is a World Exclusive:
The next Archbishop of York was appointed today. His name’s Stephen Cottrell. He’s 61, born 1958, and current Bishop of Chelmsford. (From his Church of England website biography: “Born in Leigh-on-Sea, Essex, in 1958, Stephen Cottrell was educated at Belfairs High School, Leigh-on-Sea, and the Polytechnic of Central London. “)
He’s got a nice story about how he found God (https://www.churchtimes.co.uk/articles/2019/20-december/news/uk/greater-diversity-in-leadership-and-the-beauty-of-holiness-bishop-cottrell-sets-out-his-hopes-as-archbishop-of-york):
“THE Archbishop of York designate, the Rt Revd Stephen Cottrell, introduced himself to the press on Tuesday by describing how, as a 12-year-old boy, he found himself unable to stop crying after watching the crucifixion scene in Franco Zeffirelli’s Jesus of Nazareth on television.
““I couldn’t pull myself together then, and I have been unable to pull myself together ever since,” he said. “That story that I encountered that day has changed my life, and the vision it offers of what humanity is supposed to look like is so compelling and so beautiful that I have given my life to it.””
Zeffirelli’s Jesus of Nazareth was first shown on TV in 1977 when the Archbishop-designate was 19. The fucker’s only gone and told an easily disprovable fib to the media.
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Oi! Leave our Archbishop alone! Whoever he is.
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Poor guy has barely even begun archbishopping and in any case he sounds like a man for our times.
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Good news! The Farside’s back! Probably with cows.
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2019/dec/17/far-side-creator-gary-larson-launches-website-with-promise-of-new-work
Just need Bill Watterson to return now, and all will be well-ish.
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Iks, don’t fret about the turkey. Have duck instead.
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Wondering why an exaggeratedly blue-eyed Robert Powell lolling on a cross in an Easter tea-time mini-series would be a life-changing event for an almost grown man. Bloke sounds like delusional wanker, so Archbishop is sn obvious career choice.
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You Monster, SBT!
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Pilger on the NHS sell-off, itv now (soz for this being so UK-centric)
I only just saw the ad for it
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Today was a day of Christmas carols. Two per class as the students prepared for tomorrow’s BIG show.
This one is for you, CMW. (Apologies for the actual lack of singing.)
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@BB – “The Sun won’t know what a gazebo is”
I get that it wouldn’t if they’d only ever been built in Scotland, but they do have them in places with less cloud cover too you know.
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This one seems to be a word cloud of Christmas music made into an actual song. It’s also been my ear worm for the last two weeks…
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@LADOAB – thanks for that, bit much to have to wait nearly three minutes for a moose though.
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The second one looks less promising.
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Tomp – working hard once a week seems like a lot tbh.
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“Wondering why an exaggeratedly blue-eyed Robert Powell lolling on a cross in an Easter tea-time mini-series would be a life-changing event for an almost grown man.”
Just remember different people have peculiar tastes.
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@Craigs – I’m out as it would rule out Sunday cricket.
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bit much to have to wait nearly three minutes for a moose though.
There is a beaver inside the first half-minute, CMW.
A perfect appetizer for you to enjoy before the moose.
(If you’re Catholic, or I suppose Anglican, you enjoy beaver on a Friday…)
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*can enjoy
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How long before someone adds Karl?
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Darts was good last night. Well tidy darts.
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Karl?
@CMW, sharing the Bernie Gunther love. Excellent series if a bit patchy in quality here and there. Makes me want to go to Berlin.
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Great that Gary Larsson’s making a comeback! Can we have a Giles revival too? Loved the cartoons as a kid because of the mischievous nature of the characters, loved them even more at uni when I started to understand them better!
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@Suavo – I think going back to Berlin and back in time was a good idea for the last book. There was just something about how it (and Bernie himself in particular) was written that didn’t feel quite right.
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Has anyone ever been asked how much salary they expect in a job application form? I said ‘to be discussed if the job suits me’ but I was tempted to say ‘one miilliiion dollars!!’
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That’s a bit cheap craigs
Should be at least £5M P.A. Chap’s got to have an incentive for turning up to work.
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Plus lunch expenses, obviously.
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