It was a beautiful day inside the Space X Dome, this past Satursol, as the New Cardiff Legends played out the first Martian-wide final against their bitter rivals the Valles Marineris Miners. Both teams were the respective champions of their regional championships last year, so it was apt that these two giants of the sport met in the first championship final that encompassed all of the Martian worlds.
Despite their regional dominance, neither side had an easy passage to the final: the Miners had a troubled journey off-planet to Deimos to face this inaugural season’s surprise package, the Isuzu Southern Kings, in the semi final. The former Pro14 team – recently relocated to an underground base on the bad moon – have made good use of their unique 5G pitch and honed their grubber kick and chase tactics to perfection.
Sadly, it was not to be their sol as the visiting team benefited from a controversial sending off of the Kings’ star player – a clone of Phil Dollman – after a case of mistaken identity. The original Phil Dollman was adjudged to have raked the thighs of the Miners’ inside tighthead according to replays shown to all with access to BT Mars Sport (and those watching via streamed methods), which left the hosts having to play with just one full back. The Miners turned the Kings’ own grubber-and-run tactic on the home team as Valles captain Maxim Gargalic scored a try to go with two three point conversions and a rouge.
The Legends, meanwhile, did at least have the luxury of a massive semi [Ed: you all know what to say here] in the comfort of their own home. In the shadow of Olympus Mons, at the New Arms Park, the self-styled greatest club in the solar system overcame a plucky Arabia Terra Terrors team. Led by player-coach Thretton Palamo, the Terrors were in front by two scores to one and a half at the one-third turn, but were ultimately punished by a well-drilled Legends team. With a strong performance in both the upper and lower maul, the capital city slickers scored 11 final third tries, two rouges and three half-tries, the final of which went to fan-favourite, 53 year old Fau Filise. Cheered on by a home crowd basking in the late afternoon sol, the Legends put this one to bed just before New Caroline Street opened for business.
And so, to the final. The build up was somewhat tarnished by a Twitter spat between Miners star player Joe Marler (heavily linked with a move back to Terra at the Bristol Bears) and his Legends counterpart Gerald Davies 2.0. What may have started out as friendly banter only spilled over into mean-spirited heckling, cajoling and poorly thought out, irrelevant memes. If Martian rugby is to gain the respect that it has on the home planet, then it must place a ban on such pre-match behaviour. New Dublin-based Martian Rugby should not leave this boil unfestered.
As to the match itself, and for such a big occasion, the first two-thirds were nothing to write home about. Literally. Both teams were running on Earth time and didn’t turn up for kick off. President Elon Musk decreed that there would be no refunds for the two-thirds with no action and the capacity 300,000 crowd silently nodded in agreement as the third third kicked off. The Legends soon took the early-but-actually-quite-late initiative by kicking a rouge directly from kick off. In what must bring in a law change in time for next season, the Legends chose to use a lighter ball to kick off with which immediately sailed to the roof of the stadium to earn the game’s first point. However, the Miners soon got into the swing of it by making ground with their innovative knock on ploy. All year the Miners have made yardage due to their lack of handling skillz, and Satursol was no exception. Marler was held up just short of the half-try line and new signing Ruaridh Jackson knocked back rather than on with the same dotted line at his mercy.
The latter action resulted in Gerald Davies 2.0 sweeping up the loose ball and 19 sidesteps later he was under the Y-shaped posts for a full score of eight points. Filise converted from the touchline to add the extra three before President Musk dropped his handkerchief signalling the end of the match. Veteran captain Ioan Lloyd lifted the trophy – a Model Y Tesla handcrafted from the finest Martian calcium – to a backdrop of a grinning President.
The stadium soon emptied as the Legends fans – using their scarves as makeshift masks – departed to catch the last Tesla shuttle back to New Cardiff. For the Valles supporters, well, their journey would not begin until the following sol as public transport links are not yet well-developed in the boonies and the Musk submarine can only take two passengers at a time.
I am sure that there are Terra-dwellers reading this on their puny internet who have only seen highlights and do not yet fully appreciate that the game here has evolved into something that they are too dim to comprehend, but please note: this time next year a Mars team will travel to Terra for a three match series and, believe me, if you think that your Richie McCaw, your Gerald Davies (1.0), your Mathieu Bastareaud or your Ned Hanigan can save you, then you are grossly mistaken. We’re coming.
Reportage by intrepid OvallyBalls operative and space expert Yosoy.
On the telly this week
Friday 13th December
| Castres 22 – 10 Enisei-STM | 17:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Brive 24 – 10 Zebre | 19:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Harlequins 10 – 24 Ulster | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Racing 40 – 27 Ospreys | 19:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Dragons 25 – 16 Worcester | 20:00 | epcrugby.com |
Saturday 14th December
| Connacht 27 – 24 Gloucester | 12:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 25 – 22 Lyon | 12:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Bordeaux 33 – 6 Agen | 13:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Calvisano v Leicester | 13:30 | epcrugby.com |
| Saracens v Munster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Toulouse | 15:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| London Irish v Toulon | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Wasps v Edinburgh | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Leinster v Northampton | 17:15 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Glasgow v La Rochelle | 17:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Scarlets 46 – 5 Bayonne | 19:45 | S4C / epcrugby.com BT Sport 3 |
| Stade Français 16 – 18 Bristol | 20:00 | epcrugby.com / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 15th December
| Exeter 25 – 10 Sale | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Clermont 52 – 26 Bath | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
You may recall the heartwarming story of Terrence from Shaw who received a nice Christmas surprise from Dan Walker and people from Oldham College. It didn’t end there. There is not better way to cheer them up than to take them to a John Barrowman concert. What an honour
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Not sure how it works if it’s – 12 vs – 14. She played and beat someone on +4 the other night so it could have been 0/-10 instead. I think it will be – 12/-14 tbh.
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*0/-18
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Tony Woodcock/Mike Brown
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Hugh Jackman/Michael Fish
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@TomP
Well, that would indeed be a marathon match. A veritable men’s Wimbledon Final.
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Didn’t need to worry, she smashed it 😎
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Onto the next opponent.
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Wish I’d been there. Flipping kids.
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D. Ford has cancelled the funding for LRT. After the city, which was promised the money by the previous government, had spent $100 million dollars.
Some speculate that it was because the city voted for the NDP party, and not Ford’s party.
He has been trying to fight the federal carbon tax in court, (or has threatened to?), and has also revoked permission to build wind turbines. Some that were already more than half complete.
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Congrats to Mrs Craigs!
Next opponent bites the dust.
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From The Globe and Mail
Ms. Mulroney was supposed to face reporters at a downtown hotel after a technical briefing on Monday afternoon, but the briefing never happened and she never appeared. Pro-LRT city councillors and transit activists had packed the room, and local media was already reporting the project was dead, with the government blaming its ballooning cost. Premier Doug Ford’s spokesperson said the briefing and news conference were cancelled because of safety concerns.
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I forgot to add that the emphasis is mine.
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Of course:
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Tomp – not that Uri’s bs ever needed debunking, I watched a series of videos by James Randi tearing him apart. Never sure how that guy makes a living.
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By his own claims, he’s a spy.
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Thought he was deid.
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Just been deep undercover obviously
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A spy who admits he’s a spy. C-Uri-ous.
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“I watched a series of videos by James Randi tearing him apart”
Yeah, Randi is fun – albeit serious. I can recall Geller turning up early 70s…. astaple on chat shows…. amazing he’s still around – although looking at Randi’s wiki entry…. amazing how many of those that Randi has “debunked” that are still going around fleecing people
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Uri Geller was responsible for a lot of bent spoons in school dinner halls across the country, the LEAs would probably sue him now.
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He was debunked live on French TV in the 80’s by a magician called Gerard Majax who did the same tricks right after him, bending spoons and golf clubs, spinning the needle of a a compass etc.. Geller was not happy! Probably cures cancer nowadays with cold water.
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Uri Geller is a fraud. He’s no Russell Grant
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“Uri Geller is a fraud”
Saying that is probably anti-Semitic these days.
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yosoy’s weekly space bulletin and discussion:
Put a cork in it, Tarter. In space there are no rules or laws. It’s every billionaire for themselves.
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BB’s got the Christmas lights up, then
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‘American writer and activist Melissa A Fabello, template texts are generic responses you can send to that friend in crisis you don’t want to talk to. “Hey!” reads Fabello’s suggested response to a friend asking for support. “I’m so glad you reached out. I’m actually at capacity / helping someone else who’s in crisis / dealing with some personal stuff right now, and I don’t think I can hold appropriate space for you.”’
Fantastic. Who needs actual interaction when we can send a bunch of generic words.
Think I’ll outsource my comms to a bot with a bunch of standard responses.
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They would only need one….
Pffft.
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Pfft!
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Hang on
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That’s why I always want the best for my betters.
All hail *insert privileged person here*
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Trisk – he is quite serious but great at what he did. The only black mark against him is that he admitted to knowing that Michael Shermer was a ‘naughty boy’ after the latter’s sexual assault allegations. I don’t think that he admitted to knowing about said alleged assaults specifically but it comes off as an excuse for bad behaviour.
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All hail Sag.
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Afternoon all! All hail Ovally Ballers! I’m having real problems following you hale and hailable folk now that I’m on holiday.
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Is everyone over the election? Read an extraordinary Simon Jenkins piece last night calling for the Lib Dems to pack it in because they screwed over Labour by splitting the Liberal vote.
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Jenkins is almost always wrong. About everything.
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In curiouser news, the Stormers have managed to retain a whole heap of their Boks, as the core of their 2020 campaign. They’ll screw it up again.
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Deebs – that’s a crazy suggestion from Jenkins. Imagine being in politics and handing in your potential seats to another party so that they would be more likely to win. That would mean you weren’t entirely serious all along. Some kind of pint pulling pantomime. A waste of oxygen, air time and fucks given. A hideous fuckwit with the morals of a 1970s spoon bender. An entire joke of a political career all for your own personal gain.
Imagine if some piece of shit did that?
*cough* Like Nige *cough*
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“Is everyone over the election?”
I was doing my best, but then the little sod pissed on my hat.
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Could go to a Labour Party post election social tonight if I wanted. That won’t help me get over the election.
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I haven’t read the article, but as per usual Jenkins is approximately 180 degrees off target.
If we want real change in this country we need a working version of PR, that way every vote counts.
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Jenkins is just being silly, obviously. As is anyone who thinks you can just lump the Labour and LibDem votes together as ‘left of centre’ or indeed ‘remain’ and then say look! that’s more than 50%!
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Me and Bernie Gunther are through as I finished the last book this morning. Not one of the better ones, a bit clunky. Sadly it was probably finished in a bit of a rush. Still enjoyed it though and loved the series.
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wish I could make a living out of being completely wrong about stuff
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I have to keep my wrongness to my leisure time.
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Pfft.
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counter pfft you pesky feline
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Happy Valleys Update:
Canadian Hard Bastard (not you LADOAB) and Cardiff loiterer Dan Baugh will be bringing jollity to the Drags next year as fitness coach.
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Chimpie – “I have to keep my wrongness to my leisure time.”
Indeed. See Craig’s 2018/9 on this very subject.
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