It was a beautiful day inside the Space X Dome, this past Satursol, as the New Cardiff Legends played out the first Martian-wide final against their bitter rivals the Valles Marineris Miners. Both teams were the respective champions of their regional championships last year, so it was apt that these two giants of the sport met in the first championship final that encompassed all of the Martian worlds.
Despite their regional dominance, neither side had an easy passage to the final: the Miners had a troubled journey off-planet to Deimos to face this inaugural season’s surprise package, the Isuzu Southern Kings, in the semi final. The former Pro14 team – recently relocated to an underground base on the bad moon – have made good use of their unique 5G pitch and honed their grubber kick and chase tactics to perfection.
Sadly, it was not to be their sol as the visiting team benefited from a controversial sending off of the Kings’ star player – a clone of Phil Dollman – after a case of mistaken identity. The original Phil Dollman was adjudged to have raked the thighs of the Miners’ inside tighthead according to replays shown to all with access to BT Mars Sport (and those watching via streamed methods), which left the hosts having to play with just one full back. The Miners turned the Kings’ own grubber-and-run tactic on the home team as Valles captain Maxim Gargalic scored a try to go with two three point conversions and a rouge.
The Legends, meanwhile, did at least have the luxury of a massive semi [Ed: you all know what to say here] in the comfort of their own home. In the shadow of Olympus Mons, at the New Arms Park, the self-styled greatest club in the solar system overcame a plucky Arabia Terra Terrors team. Led by player-coach Thretton Palamo, the Terrors were in front by two scores to one and a half at the one-third turn, but were ultimately punished by a well-drilled Legends team. With a strong performance in both the upper and lower maul, the capital city slickers scored 11 final third tries, two rouges and three half-tries, the final of which went to fan-favourite, 53 year old Fau Filise. Cheered on by a home crowd basking in the late afternoon sol, the Legends put this one to bed just before New Caroline Street opened for business.
And so, to the final. The build up was somewhat tarnished by a Twitter spat between Miners star player Joe Marler (heavily linked with a move back to Terra at the Bristol Bears) and his Legends counterpart Gerald Davies 2.0. What may have started out as friendly banter only spilled over into mean-spirited heckling, cajoling and poorly thought out, irrelevant memes. If Martian rugby is to gain the respect that it has on the home planet, then it must place a ban on such pre-match behaviour. New Dublin-based Martian Rugby should not leave this boil unfestered.
As to the match itself, and for such a big occasion, the first two-thirds were nothing to write home about. Literally. Both teams were running on Earth time and didn’t turn up for kick off. President Elon Musk decreed that there would be no refunds for the two-thirds with no action and the capacity 300,000 crowd silently nodded in agreement as the third third kicked off. The Legends soon took the early-but-actually-quite-late initiative by kicking a rouge directly from kick off. In what must bring in a law change in time for next season, the Legends chose to use a lighter ball to kick off with which immediately sailed to the roof of the stadium to earn the game’s first point. However, the Miners soon got into the swing of it by making ground with their innovative knock on ploy. All year the Miners have made yardage due to their lack of handling skillz, and Satursol was no exception. Marler was held up just short of the half-try line and new signing Ruaridh Jackson knocked back rather than on with the same dotted line at his mercy.
The latter action resulted in Gerald Davies 2.0 sweeping up the loose ball and 19 sidesteps later he was under the Y-shaped posts for a full score of eight points. Filise converted from the touchline to add the extra three before President Musk dropped his handkerchief signalling the end of the match. Veteran captain Ioan Lloyd lifted the trophy – a Model Y Tesla handcrafted from the finest Martian calcium – to a backdrop of a grinning President.
The stadium soon emptied as the Legends fans – using their scarves as makeshift masks – departed to catch the last Tesla shuttle back to New Cardiff. For the Valles supporters, well, their journey would not begin until the following sol as public transport links are not yet well-developed in the boonies and the Musk submarine can only take two passengers at a time.
I am sure that there are Terra-dwellers reading this on their puny internet who have only seen highlights and do not yet fully appreciate that the game here has evolved into something that they are too dim to comprehend, but please note: this time next year a Mars team will travel to Terra for a three match series and, believe me, if you think that your Richie McCaw, your Gerald Davies (1.0), your Mathieu Bastareaud or your Ned Hanigan can save you, then you are grossly mistaken. We’re coming.
Reportage by intrepid OvallyBalls operative and space expert Yosoy.
On the telly this week
Friday 13th December
| Castres 22 – 10 Enisei-STM | 17:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Brive 24 – 10 Zebre | 19:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Harlequins 10 – 24 Ulster | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Racing 40 – 27 Ospreys | 19:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Dragons 25 – 16 Worcester | 20:00 | epcrugby.com |
Saturday 14th December
| Connacht 27 – 24 Gloucester | 12:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 25 – 22 Lyon | 12:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Bordeaux 33 – 6 Agen | 13:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Calvisano v Leicester | 13:30 | epcrugby.com |
| Saracens v Munster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Toulouse | 15:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| London Irish v Toulon | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Wasps v Edinburgh | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Leinster v Northampton | 17:15 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Glasgow v La Rochelle | 17:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Scarlets 46 – 5 Bayonne | 19:45 | S4C / epcrugby.com BT Sport 3 |
| Stade Français 16 – 18 Bristol | 20:00 | epcrugby.com / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 15th December
| Exeter 25 – 10 Sale | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Clermont 52 – 26 Bath | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
If he’d have hung on for a few more weeks he could have cleaned up with Hallam Amos against Uruguay.
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Yos – or Josh Adams 20 mins into the Fiji game.
Man needs a DeLorean and an almanac
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The mother-in-law was supposed to be coming for Christmas, a good thing but one with a bit of trepidation attached as she fell down the stairs last time she was here and broke her leg (I may just have mentioned this on here). Anyway she’s allayed my fears by falling down her own stairs instead thus taking a short cut to her local hospital without all the travelling etc. Thankfully she seems to be OK, but they’ve kept her in for five days so far which is a bit alarming. We wait to here whether we’re now going to Scotland or everyone’s staying put.
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Left the red hat I’ve been wearing for canvassing and all that on the stairs. The Little One just pissed on it when she got caught short on her way to the bathroom. The Middle One and her pal that Mrs CMW childminds made out that she’d shat in it, but she hasn’t.
I also wear it to support Wales though it’s really a piece of promotional tat from a portakabin manufacturer in Northern Ireland.
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We wait (here) to hear oh dear oh dear.
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I’d love some sweet promotional tat. Haven’t had anything since I wangled a very poor quality polo shirt last year.
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@Yos – There’s not as much around at least in my world as there used to be. Gone are the glory days of the Bakers Electrical glove box atlas or the Acaster Steel porn calendar. I doubt if I’ll even get the aluminium foil for the turkey from the company that does the extrusions for our level crossing barriers this year.
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“red hat”
Cmw – Always knew that you an Ceej were on the same page.
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@Craigs – I’m slightly lost here – could that just as well just be “hat” or is the redness of the hat relevant in CJ’s case?
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“I’m slightly lost here”
Is it any wonder I ask myself.
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Real squash update – Mrs Craig’s is taking part in a tournament (played over this week) where, to make things interesting, the better players are handicapped by starting on negative points.
I hadn’t had much head space for this but she’s been quite stressed (she’s quite competitive) because she starts on -14. The aim is to get to 15 points.
Does this sound right? I told her there was no shame in withdrawing given the ridiculous situation. It’s best of 3 so she has to win at least 58 points to be victorious. I know it’s a complement and I’m not in a good mood but this sounds really unfair. She’s the most penalised player in the club.
Dunno if I’m just compounding all the negative things at the moment. I told her to play as harshly as she could.
Probably best just to ignore as usual tbh.
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CMW – just pointing out yours and cj’s love for all things MAGA.
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“just pointing out yours and cj’s love for all things MAGA.”
“Dunno if I’m just compounding all the negative things at the moment.”
I’m going for a yes.
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Come back to me when you’ve got news of someone pissing in CJ’s hat.
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Sort of hat you could just carry the piss around in for a while and then be able to pour it out without any adverse effects mind.
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A useful hat.
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Ron gone.
Also, ’24 hour mid-season stocktake.’ Catchy.
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’24 hour mid-season stocktake’
Perhaps Ticht would build some fences and pens and what have you for them.
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I should add I don’t actually want anyone to piss in CJ’s hat. Think he did have at least two candidates in his house at the last count though, maybe more on the way?
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24 hour mid-season stocktake was the best Happy Mondays long player.
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I keep reading that as ’24-hour mid-season Stockdale’.
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How much piss can you carry in a hat anyway?
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@Craigs
It’s understandable that she is stressed, and the way the tourney is designed does seem to favour the weaker opponents.
But how cool would it be if she tapped that inner competitiveness and thrashed her opponents?
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How much piss can you carry in a hat anyway?
Well, in the South West of the US there are 10 gallon hats. So 37,85 litres. Or 66,6 pints of the Imperial variety.
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Ladoab – I’m hoping for this to happen obviously. I dunno, I think that I’m letting the work stuff get to me tbh.
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“How much piss can you carry in a hat anyway?”
Ten gallons if it’s the right hat
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If you wear a piss carrying hat does that make you a pisshead?
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Soz
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“Left the red hat I’ve been wearing for canvassing and all that on the stairs. The Little One just pissed on it when she got caught short on her way to the bathroom.”
Got her name down for the BBC yet?
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Sounds as if she’s a strong player, Craigs.
It’s a bit unfair if she comes up against another player with a tough handicap, say of -12, and they have to win 29 or 27 points respectively to win one (set or game or whatever it’s called). Match could last for hours.
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Oh dear me CMW, I think I remember the previous falling down. I may be mistaken but one of your girls was behind it, like a homage to Ray Bradbury’s the Small Assassin story?
So I can understand why she’s thrown herself down her own stairs to get it over with this year while staying local.
And more seriously I hope your MiL recovers well and the dramas around it stay manageable this year.
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@Yosoy, a large tip of the non-piss-filled hat for that Hallam quip. Marvellous.
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“Got her name down for the BBC yet?”
I’ve got the cackling goons at the top of the stairs who claimed she shat down for that role.
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I thought that everyone knew that the finest sniffing piss needs to come from a single source and has to be aged for a minimum of 12 years in specially selected hats.
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Review. Analysis. Assessment. Reflection. Rebuilding. Building. Get-together. Planning. Taking stock even.
Anything but stocktake, which means rejection by clipboard or excel because you are too fat or past the sell-by date.
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@Iks – thanks, I think she’s OK from the admittedly vague messages we’re getting. Suspect that we’re just going to end up with Christmas at home which will be novel.
The previous incident my mother-in-law claimed when she wasn’t very with it in the aftermath that the Little One (who also tumbled right from the top) pushed her, but the eldest saw it and said if anything it was the other way round. This time she was on her own and was found by a friend who called by which is all a bit scary in itself.
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I’m reasonably confident that Brexitcast will still be going by the time said cackling goons reach working age.
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Courtney Lawes is a massive Tory it seems.
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Tomp – she is. I’m just grumbling.*
Re Courtney being a Tory, I’m not entirely surprised. He is an English rugby player.
* I’ll cut this out, making a mountain out of a molehill.
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Bit unfair to single out English rugby players. Could just have said he’s a professional sportsman who didn’t pay football for Everton in the 1980s.
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Haha, I know nothing about Everton.
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@Ticht
“How much piss can you carry in a hat anyway?”
Ten gallons if it’s the right hat
It’s not often I can say: HA! I beat you!
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@TomP
It’s a bit unfair if she comes up against another player with a tough handicap, say of -12, and they have to win 29 or 27 points respectively to win one (set or game or whatever it’s called).
Wouldn’t they just go with -2 for Mrs Craigs?
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@LADOAB – and you did all that extra maths too!
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Pop quiz: Which player from the England 1982 World Cup squad is the father-in-law of an (ex-) England rugby player?
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I thought that as well, LaDoaB, but Craigs said she will always start on -15.
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-14. My mistake.
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@tomp
I know this one. Left footer.
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