It was a beautiful day inside the Space X Dome, this past Satursol, as the New Cardiff Legends played out the first Martian-wide final against their bitter rivals the Valles Marineris Miners. Both teams were the respective champions of their regional championships last year, so it was apt that these two giants of the sport met in the first championship final that encompassed all of the Martian worlds.
Despite their regional dominance, neither side had an easy passage to the final: the Miners had a troubled journey off-planet to Deimos to face this inaugural season’s surprise package, the Isuzu Southern Kings, in the semi final. The former Pro14 team – recently relocated to an underground base on the bad moon – have made good use of their unique 5G pitch and honed their grubber kick and chase tactics to perfection.
Sadly, it was not to be their sol as the visiting team benefited from a controversial sending off of the Kings’ star player – a clone of Phil Dollman – after a case of mistaken identity. The original Phil Dollman was adjudged to have raked the thighs of the Miners’ inside tighthead according to replays shown to all with access to BT Mars Sport (and those watching via streamed methods), which left the hosts having to play with just one full back. The Miners turned the Kings’ own grubber-and-run tactic on the home team as Valles captain Maxim Gargalic scored a try to go with two three point conversions and a rouge.
The Legends, meanwhile, did at least have the luxury of a massive semi [Ed: you all know what to say here] in the comfort of their own home. In the shadow of Olympus Mons, at the New Arms Park, the self-styled greatest club in the solar system overcame a plucky Arabia Terra Terrors team. Led by player-coach Thretton Palamo, the Terrors were in front by two scores to one and a half at the one-third turn, but were ultimately punished by a well-drilled Legends team. With a strong performance in both the upper and lower maul, the capital city slickers scored 11 final third tries, two rouges and three half-tries, the final of which went to fan-favourite, 53 year old Fau Filise. Cheered on by a home crowd basking in the late afternoon sol, the Legends put this one to bed just before New Caroline Street opened for business.
And so, to the final. The build up was somewhat tarnished by a Twitter spat between Miners star player Joe Marler (heavily linked with a move back to Terra at the Bristol Bears) and his Legends counterpart Gerald Davies 2.0. What may have started out as friendly banter only spilled over into mean-spirited heckling, cajoling and poorly thought out, irrelevant memes. If Martian rugby is to gain the respect that it has on the home planet, then it must place a ban on such pre-match behaviour. New Dublin-based Martian Rugby should not leave this boil unfestered.
As to the match itself, and for such a big occasion, the first two-thirds were nothing to write home about. Literally. Both teams were running on Earth time and didn’t turn up for kick off. President Elon Musk decreed that there would be no refunds for the two-thirds with no action and the capacity 300,000 crowd silently nodded in agreement as the third third kicked off. The Legends soon took the early-but-actually-quite-late initiative by kicking a rouge directly from kick off. In what must bring in a law change in time for next season, the Legends chose to use a lighter ball to kick off with which immediately sailed to the roof of the stadium to earn the game’s first point. However, the Miners soon got into the swing of it by making ground with their innovative knock on ploy. All year the Miners have made yardage due to their lack of handling skillz, and Satursol was no exception. Marler was held up just short of the half-try line and new signing Ruaridh Jackson knocked back rather than on with the same dotted line at his mercy.
The latter action resulted in Gerald Davies 2.0 sweeping up the loose ball and 19 sidesteps later he was under the Y-shaped posts for a full score of eight points. Filise converted from the touchline to add the extra three before President Musk dropped his handkerchief signalling the end of the match. Veteran captain Ioan Lloyd lifted the trophy – a Model Y Tesla handcrafted from the finest Martian calcium – to a backdrop of a grinning President.
The stadium soon emptied as the Legends fans – using their scarves as makeshift masks – departed to catch the last Tesla shuttle back to New Cardiff. For the Valles supporters, well, their journey would not begin until the following sol as public transport links are not yet well-developed in the boonies and the Musk submarine can only take two passengers at a time.
I am sure that there are Terra-dwellers reading this on their puny internet who have only seen highlights and do not yet fully appreciate that the game here has evolved into something that they are too dim to comprehend, but please note: this time next year a Mars team will travel to Terra for a three match series and, believe me, if you think that your Richie McCaw, your Gerald Davies (1.0), your Mathieu Bastareaud or your Ned Hanigan can save you, then you are grossly mistaken. We’re coming.
Reportage by intrepid OvallyBalls operative and space expert Yosoy.
On the telly this week
Friday 13th December
| Castres 22 – 10 Enisei-STM | 17:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Brive 24 – 10 Zebre | 19:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Harlequins 10 – 24 Ulster | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Racing 40 – 27 Ospreys | 19:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Dragons 25 – 16 Worcester | 20:00 | epcrugby.com |
Saturday 14th December
| Connacht 27 – 24 Gloucester | 12:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 25 – 22 Lyon | 12:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Bordeaux 33 – 6 Agen | 13:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Calvisano v Leicester | 13:30 | epcrugby.com |
| Saracens v Munster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Toulouse | 15:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| London Irish v Toulon | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Wasps v Edinburgh | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Leinster v Northampton | 17:15 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Glasgow v La Rochelle | 17:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Scarlets 46 – 5 Bayonne | 19:45 | S4C / epcrugby.com BT Sport 3 |
| Stade Français 16 – 18 Bristol | 20:00 | epcrugby.com / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 15th December
| Exeter 25 – 10 Sale | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Clermont 52 – 26 Bath | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
BP try for ASM after 20 minutes.
26/0.
As Eric Bonneval just said, Bath shouldn’t ‘ve had the gall to come and play in Cletmont dressed in yellow.
Saying that, Bath just score a try.
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Bath score. Hooker Jack Walker from a driving maul. 26-7.
This could turn into another of those games at Clermont (v Northampton last year and Harlequns this) where Clermont just slack off loads in defence cos they’re miles ahead.
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Raka, try number 5. Gorgeous kick through by Toeava.
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Not sure, Tomp.
ASM score another two tries in 5 minutes.
Now 40/7.
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Moala, try number 6. Clermont steal the Bath line out on their own 22 and then do some lovely running and a neat chip and collect.
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You’re right, flair. Bath don’t look able to do it. Might get a couple of tries but could end up shifting 60 or 70 or more.
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Rua… McCo… gets in for a score, 40-14 aux oranges.
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Flat pass? Mmmm….
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Try number 6 was something. Pace, precision, timing. Plus a fortunate bounce.
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Stooke being a bit twattish starts what Ben Whitehouse calls a “fracarse”. Good French vocab, pronunciation lacking.
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45-21 now. Clermont dropped off a good deal, Bath still shit.
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Final score 52/26. Clermont stepped off the gas for most of the second half. Bath could only score from close range mauls. ASM may want to work on their maul defence.but they’re very very good in counterattack. A bit like Toulouse actually.
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So which French side is more likely to lose to Leinster in the final? Racing, Toulouse or Clermont?
With apologies to the other, non-French sides who will do well (Exeter, Ulster and Munster).
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I think all 3 could beat Leinster but would have to be on it.
Sarries aren’t out of it either but need to beat Racing in London. I think they probably can.
Glasgow’s defeat yesterday was a horrible result for them. I’m not sure they make the quarters now, but the 8th best team might get through with as little as 15 points. Beat Sale away and they’d have a chance.
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We’ll need improve massively to have a chance of getting through – beating Exeter at home would help. Hoggy’s return and perhaps the reappearance of Big Leone would make it some match (although I wouldn’t put it past Baxter to drop Hoggy for that match).
I think this season (and perhaps next season too) will be transition seasons for Glasgow. There are a few ‘stalwarts’ that are approaching the end of their time, plus a new coach coming in, and I’m not quite sure that the young ‘uns coming through are quite up to the standard of Embra’s group.
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By the way, what’s Prague like in late May?
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By the way, what’s Prague like in late May?
A little warmer than early April?
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BB,I don’t think Nakarawa could be qualified for the big Cup as he wasn’t part of the team earlier.
I reckon Clermont, Racing and Saracens could do a number on Leinster, not sure about Toulouse, they aren’t there yet.
It’s a bit early to make bets as the gruelling T14 and the 6 N will take their toll anyway.
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“By the way, what’s Prague like in late May?”
That’s more punk than Prog. Short, discordant and brutal.
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BB, it’s usually pleasant enough to sit outside on the continental terraces to enjoy a beer. Shouldn’t be too hot to move around.
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Not sure what you mean, Iks old chum. Simply asking a fellow Ovally Baller what the weather’s going to be like during a POSSIBLE visit.
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@Iks
“Nearest airports all within an hour by train are Frankfurt Main, Stuttgart and Baden-Karlsruhe.”
what about Frankfurt-Hahn? I’ve direct flight from Kerry – looks like bus to Mainz, then another bus to H’berg… alternative is flights to Dublin then Frankfurt-am-Main… what would be your recommendation?
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BB my sweetheart – I posted over the weekend that a 6N blog meet would go ahead in Heidelberg on 14 March. So I’m a-grieving that you prefer to go to Prague in May.
And for the simple pleasure it gives me to riff on our musical differences.
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On Friday afternoon the Middle One had her ‘Star Assembly’ to receive her much-coveted ‘Writer of the Half-term’ award. I’d got soaked to the skin on Thursday out campaigning for the election, had hardly slept, was of course thoroughly miserable, and was out on a works do which I broke off from to attend her thing given how pleased she was about it. Had already had a couple of pints for better or worse. Now once they’d got their awards they dealt with out of school achievements. A girl was beaver of the week and waved her beaver around that she’d been sent home with to look after. Not a real one. It then moved on to the winners of the mock elections that had been held the previous day with each class having elected a class prime minister. This began as follows:
Head teacher: Now yesterday there was a General Election and we decided that we would do something ourselves to learn about elections and democracy. Can anyone tell me what democracy is?
*Forest of hands goes up, head teacher turns to little girl nearest her*
Head teacher: Yes, I can see you know, please tell us what democracy means.
Little girl: I’ve forgotten.
I wish I could make this stuff up if it didn’t happen right in front of my eyes.
Went back out and got properly messed up, not sure I’ve fully recovered even now.
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Iks, Heidelberg’s a long way to go to watch Wales beat Scotland.
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@TomP – but if you have to be somewhere to watch Wales beat Scotland then it’s surely at least as good as anywhere else?
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Iks. Sorry, but there’s no way I ‘d be able to make to Heidelberg for one or two days. Mrs BB and I are away the weekend before and we can’t afford two away. Plus it is a busy time at work, whereas May is quieter due to the exams.
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Just because they have to be quiet during the exams doesn’t mean they aren’t doing any work.
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Trisk, I have no idea about what kind of difference it makes for you to go to Kerry rather than Dublin, but Hahn is a real drag to get to and from.
I forbid my kids / our friends from arriving there because I’m obligated to pick them up and I hate the drive. In theory it should take about 1hr 40 mins to get there but invariably you can add at least an hour to that because of traffic problems. The bus from Hahn to Heidelberg is a real drag – circa 6 hours with stops. There’s no rail link from Hahn to anywhere.
Ryanair flies to FRA International airport as well as smaller airports these days, so strictly from the logistical side here it is much quicker than Hahn.
By rail from the airport to HD you might have to change once in Mannheim (not always but it is easy), and time wise you are looking at an hour or less. Also the direct bus service to HD is about an hour, either with this cheap outfit https://www.flixbus.de/, or the more relaxed Lufthansa Bus http://frankfurt-airport-shuttles.de/en/home-2/
I hope you can find something suitable!
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Alles klar BB *snuffle*
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I haven’t seen Sioni Wynwns in a long time, CMW.
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“So you have forgotten what democracy is. Right class, all in favour of locking her in the cupboard? All against?”
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@Iks – you should have seen the shower they’d elected.
Oh.
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My Eldest offered them lockers instead of coat-hooks, but they didn’t buy it. Probably worried about who was going to have to pay for it or something.
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The market says what you get is a coat-hook and be thankful for that as it’s by no means secure.
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Midol claim Sexton’s on his way to Lyon. After his mediocre stint with Racing, I’m surprised Lyon would hire him. But then their restrictive style may suit him better. He’s not going to start attacking the line at 34, is he?
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“I haven’t seen Sioni Wynwns in a long time, CMW.”
I’ll have to investigate getting him a passport. And one for me at the same time.
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He’s been nagging me to go and see the Zwiebels for years.
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To be fair they do sound great fun. He says “Zey Vobble, but zey don’t fall down”, but he may be taking the piss.
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Thanks for travel advice Mr Iks!
Kerry-Hahn isn’t daily – so I might have to look at returning via Frankfurt unless I can persuade Mrs Trisk to come with me or that arriving back lunchtime Monday is ok…… (actually seriously, given what you’ve said – I’d need to be close to Hahn in the Monday if I want to catch a 12h00 flight)
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Crikey: https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2019/dec/16/wales-rob-howley-banned-18-months-rugby-betting
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Rob howley has just been given an 18 month ban for betting on wales matches! It’s back dated and partially suspended so he could be back in June
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Yosoy beat me to it!
It’s a big statement handing out a ban like that
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Still, he’ll be back in time to take the Ospreys to glory next season.
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Does he get a 35 point deduction?
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“Still, he’ll be back in time to take the Ospreys to glory next season.”
Man’s a Legend.
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Can we have a new column in an upmarket newspaper called ‘Foxy writes’
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@Trisk – looks like this bus line which passes through, Mainz and Frankfurt main stations, and FRA Intl. would get you there in time on Monday morning. Probably cheaper and more fun to stay overnight Sunday near the rail station in Mainz or Frankfurt than at an FRA Intl airport hotel.
Click to access Fahrplan_Frankfurt_Winter_2019-2020_ab_15.12..pdf
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Worse than Bloodgate! Worse than Salarygate! Worse than the election!!
Get your milkshakes ready.
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I think he got away with that one. Especially seeing as he placed hundreds of bets not just a few. But then again, he lost £4k.
Bet on some Welsh players specifically apparently.
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