It was a beautiful day inside the Space X Dome, this past Satursol, as the New Cardiff Legends played out the first Martian-wide final against their bitter rivals the Valles Marineris Miners. Both teams were the respective champions of their regional championships last year, so it was apt that these two giants of the sport met in the first championship final that encompassed all of the Martian worlds.
Despite their regional dominance, neither side had an easy passage to the final: the Miners had a troubled journey off-planet to Deimos to face this inaugural season’s surprise package, the Isuzu Southern Kings, in the semi final. The former Pro14 team – recently relocated to an underground base on the bad moon – have made good use of their unique 5G pitch and honed their grubber kick and chase tactics to perfection.
Sadly, it was not to be their sol as the visiting team benefited from a controversial sending off of the Kings’ star player – a clone of Phil Dollman – after a case of mistaken identity. The original Phil Dollman was adjudged to have raked the thighs of the Miners’ inside tighthead according to replays shown to all with access to BT Mars Sport (and those watching via streamed methods), which left the hosts having to play with just one full back. The Miners turned the Kings’ own grubber-and-run tactic on the home team as Valles captain Maxim Gargalic scored a try to go with two three point conversions and a rouge.
The Legends, meanwhile, did at least have the luxury of a massive semi [Ed: you all know what to say here] in the comfort of their own home. In the shadow of Olympus Mons, at the New Arms Park, the self-styled greatest club in the solar system overcame a plucky Arabia Terra Terrors team. Led by player-coach Thretton Palamo, the Terrors were in front by two scores to one and a half at the one-third turn, but were ultimately punished by a well-drilled Legends team. With a strong performance in both the upper and lower maul, the capital city slickers scored 11 final third tries, two rouges and three half-tries, the final of which went to fan-favourite, 53 year old Fau Filise. Cheered on by a home crowd basking in the late afternoon sol, the Legends put this one to bed just before New Caroline Street opened for business.
And so, to the final. The build up was somewhat tarnished by a Twitter spat between Miners star player Joe Marler (heavily linked with a move back to Terra at the Bristol Bears) and his Legends counterpart Gerald Davies 2.0. What may have started out as friendly banter only spilled over into mean-spirited heckling, cajoling and poorly thought out, irrelevant memes. If Martian rugby is to gain the respect that it has on the home planet, then it must place a ban on such pre-match behaviour. New Dublin-based Martian Rugby should not leave this boil unfestered.
As to the match itself, and for such a big occasion, the first two-thirds were nothing to write home about. Literally. Both teams were running on Earth time and didn’t turn up for kick off. President Elon Musk decreed that there would be no refunds for the two-thirds with no action and the capacity 300,000 crowd silently nodded in agreement as the third third kicked off. The Legends soon took the early-but-actually-quite-late initiative by kicking a rouge directly from kick off. In what must bring in a law change in time for next season, the Legends chose to use a lighter ball to kick off with which immediately sailed to the roof of the stadium to earn the game’s first point. However, the Miners soon got into the swing of it by making ground with their innovative knock on ploy. All year the Miners have made yardage due to their lack of handling skillz, and Satursol was no exception. Marler was held up just short of the half-try line and new signing Ruaridh Jackson knocked back rather than on with the same dotted line at his mercy.
The latter action resulted in Gerald Davies 2.0 sweeping up the loose ball and 19 sidesteps later he was under the Y-shaped posts for a full score of eight points. Filise converted from the touchline to add the extra three before President Musk dropped his handkerchief signalling the end of the match. Veteran captain Ioan Lloyd lifted the trophy – a Model Y Tesla handcrafted from the finest Martian calcium – to a backdrop of a grinning President.
The stadium soon emptied as the Legends fans – using their scarves as makeshift masks – departed to catch the last Tesla shuttle back to New Cardiff. For the Valles supporters, well, their journey would not begin until the following sol as public transport links are not yet well-developed in the boonies and the Musk submarine can only take two passengers at a time.
I am sure that there are Terra-dwellers reading this on their puny internet who have only seen highlights and do not yet fully appreciate that the game here has evolved into something that they are too dim to comprehend, but please note: this time next year a Mars team will travel to Terra for a three match series and, believe me, if you think that your Richie McCaw, your Gerald Davies (1.0), your Mathieu Bastareaud or your Ned Hanigan can save you, then you are grossly mistaken. We’re coming.
Reportage by intrepid OvallyBalls operative and space expert Yosoy.
On the telly this week
Friday 13th December
| Castres 22 – 10 Enisei-STM | 17:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Brive 24 – 10 Zebre | 19:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Harlequins 10 – 24 Ulster | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Racing 40 – 27 Ospreys | 19:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Dragons 25 – 16 Worcester | 20:00 | epcrugby.com |
Saturday 14th December
| Connacht 27 – 24 Gloucester | 12:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 25 – 22 Lyon | 12:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Bordeaux 33 – 6 Agen | 13:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Calvisano v Leicester | 13:30 | epcrugby.com |
| Saracens v Munster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Toulouse | 15:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| London Irish v Toulon | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Wasps v Edinburgh | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Leinster v Northampton | 17:15 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Glasgow v La Rochelle | 17:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Scarlets 46 – 5 Bayonne | 19:45 | S4C / epcrugby.com BT Sport 3 |
| Stade Français 16 – 18 Bristol | 20:00 | epcrugby.com / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 15th December
| Exeter 25 – 10 Sale | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Clermont 52 – 26 Bath | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
36-14
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Ticht – sorry to hear that. I think the c word is appropriate here.
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Iks – I’ll definitely try to make that rufty tufty bar. Job situation depending.
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43 – 14
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Still think that saints could pull this off.
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Startled Puffin gets a second try.
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It’s going to be a nightmare final quarter for Leinster.
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Can someone tell what the law is at the breakdown, please?
I thought only the first or second player in can put hands on the ball, is that right?
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Novelty Christmas exhibition match in Dublin.
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I’d love to go to Heidelberg, but there are too many fines these days
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43-21
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La Rochelle giving away loads of penalties (some of them on the line) – no yellow.
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I think everyone should play with tinsel around their kits for the last 20.
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If Northampton get a bp from this Leinster should get fined for not taking the competition seriously.
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“I thought only the first or second player in can put hands on the ball, is that right?”
Was there a Northampton player at the ruck? If not, then the second, third or fourth Leinster player had rights to it.
Saying that, a ruck should be when all players are on their feet. Doubt that happens more than a handful of times a game.
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About blooming time!
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It was the Glasgow game Tam, there was a ruck formed and the third La Roch player picked the ball up
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Ah, vd Flier won a penalty like that against Northampton a few minutes ago.
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Eventually La Rochelle get a yellow, but we can’t take advantage. Bad feeling about this game. Weather not helping – Brown throws in at a line out and the ball almost does a 90 degree turn in midair.
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Botia blaming the old knee for that awful kick
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Worryingly, George Horne’s form has dipped in recent weeks
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Lol rolling out the Prem-is-too-tough excuse.
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It’s a strong league, Lazza. Earlier the rock bottom club beat the Mighty Munster.
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I think he is going to check back about 15 phases
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Fagerson is off
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Think that might be a red for the arm hitting the neck, and the try will be chalked off. Don’t really deserve to win this anyway.
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Dave Kearney gets the Maro.
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Strongest league in the world Tomp. Pay some respect.
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Ticht – I think Hastings has gone backwards as well. He seems to hesitate a lot as though he isn’t sure what to do if the play isn’t running the way it should.
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Stade 6 is lucky. His elbow hits a Bristol player in the chest a fraction of a second before his arm makes contact with the neck. Yellow only.
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hmmm..Matera is usually near the limit – a ruffian
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Woof. Scarlets did a number on Bayonne.
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Reports that the Conservatives are going to boycott Radio 4’s Today programme because of “bias”. If they’re getting criticism from both sides they must be doing something right, right? Right? Right?
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I watched most of it, Refit. They played some good quick stuff in the second half once the rain stopped (or stopped coming down so heavily). Corey Baldwin went well at centre. Young Hardy is going to be an international before the next World Cup.
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Good man, Ben Foster:
https://ronaldo.com/football-news/ben-fosters-story-about-an-80-year-old-man-is-the-best-one-youll-hear-all-day/
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Scarlets scored some good tries in the second half, a few nice moments from Iksy’s boy Angus. Bayonne’s defensive effort didn’t really last the distance even though they did get a try themselves at the end.
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Next in a series of heart warming stories. Especially for Iksy
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Jackman getting shot of Angus was weird. O
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Come, all ye Faithful
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One of the reasons I thought early on he was a chancer with a gift for the blarney but not much clue about being a head coach.
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Nice cup o’ tea story OT. Feeling a bit fragile today so probably need one myself.
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Wow, they’re checking for a high-tackle during a try score.
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Play suspended in Exeter, due to hail!
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Hail lashing it down in Exeter so the teams come off. After 62 minutes so Exeter would get the win anyway.
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….but now they got the BP
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I’m hearing reports of a very ugly beating just starting in the middle of France.
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Not yet 10 minutes gone – Clermont 14 Bath 0
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Try #3 comes within 15 minutes. Will be 16 minutes by the time it becomes 21-0. Clermont look nice but Bath are so far out of their depth.
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20 minutes gone and George Moala gets the 4th. Parra misses the conversion, 26-0.
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