It was a beautiful day inside the Space X Dome, this past Satursol, as the New Cardiff Legends played out the first Martian-wide final against their bitter rivals the Valles Marineris Miners. Both teams were the respective champions of their regional championships last year, so it was apt that these two giants of the sport met in the first championship final that encompassed all of the Martian worlds.
Despite their regional dominance, neither side had an easy passage to the final: the Miners had a troubled journey off-planet to Deimos to face this inaugural season’s surprise package, the Isuzu Southern Kings, in the semi final. The former Pro14 team – recently relocated to an underground base on the bad moon – have made good use of their unique 5G pitch and honed their grubber kick and chase tactics to perfection.
Sadly, it was not to be their sol as the visiting team benefited from a controversial sending off of the Kings’ star player – a clone of Phil Dollman – after a case of mistaken identity. The original Phil Dollman was adjudged to have raked the thighs of the Miners’ inside tighthead according to replays shown to all with access to BT Mars Sport (and those watching via streamed methods), which left the hosts having to play with just one full back. The Miners turned the Kings’ own grubber-and-run tactic on the home team as Valles captain Maxim Gargalic scored a try to go with two three point conversions and a rouge.
The Legends, meanwhile, did at least have the luxury of a massive semi [Ed: you all know what to say here] in the comfort of their own home. In the shadow of Olympus Mons, at the New Arms Park, the self-styled greatest club in the solar system overcame a plucky Arabia Terra Terrors team. Led by player-coach Thretton Palamo, the Terrors were in front by two scores to one and a half at the one-third turn, but were ultimately punished by a well-drilled Legends team. With a strong performance in both the upper and lower maul, the capital city slickers scored 11 final third tries, two rouges and three half-tries, the final of which went to fan-favourite, 53 year old Fau Filise. Cheered on by a home crowd basking in the late afternoon sol, the Legends put this one to bed just before New Caroline Street opened for business.
And so, to the final. The build up was somewhat tarnished by a Twitter spat between Miners star player Joe Marler (heavily linked with a move back to Terra at the Bristol Bears) and his Legends counterpart Gerald Davies 2.0. What may have started out as friendly banter only spilled over into mean-spirited heckling, cajoling and poorly thought out, irrelevant memes. If Martian rugby is to gain the respect that it has on the home planet, then it must place a ban on such pre-match behaviour. New Dublin-based Martian Rugby should not leave this boil unfestered.
As to the match itself, and for such a big occasion, the first two-thirds were nothing to write home about. Literally. Both teams were running on Earth time and didn’t turn up for kick off. President Elon Musk decreed that there would be no refunds for the two-thirds with no action and the capacity 300,000 crowd silently nodded in agreement as the third third kicked off. The Legends soon took the early-but-actually-quite-late initiative by kicking a rouge directly from kick off. In what must bring in a law change in time for next season, the Legends chose to use a lighter ball to kick off with which immediately sailed to the roof of the stadium to earn the game’s first point. However, the Miners soon got into the swing of it by making ground with their innovative knock on ploy. All year the Miners have made yardage due to their lack of handling skillz, and Satursol was no exception. Marler was held up just short of the half-try line and new signing Ruaridh Jackson knocked back rather than on with the same dotted line at his mercy.
The latter action resulted in Gerald Davies 2.0 sweeping up the loose ball and 19 sidesteps later he was under the Y-shaped posts for a full score of eight points. Filise converted from the touchline to add the extra three before President Musk dropped his handkerchief signalling the end of the match. Veteran captain Ioan Lloyd lifted the trophy – a Model Y Tesla handcrafted from the finest Martian calcium – to a backdrop of a grinning President.
The stadium soon emptied as the Legends fans – using their scarves as makeshift masks – departed to catch the last Tesla shuttle back to New Cardiff. For the Valles supporters, well, their journey would not begin until the following sol as public transport links are not yet well-developed in the boonies and the Musk submarine can only take two passengers at a time.
I am sure that there are Terra-dwellers reading this on their puny internet who have only seen highlights and do not yet fully appreciate that the game here has evolved into something that they are too dim to comprehend, but please note: this time next year a Mars team will travel to Terra for a three match series and, believe me, if you think that your Richie McCaw, your Gerald Davies (1.0), your Mathieu Bastareaud or your Ned Hanigan can save you, then you are grossly mistaken. We’re coming.
Reportage by intrepid OvallyBalls operative and space expert Yosoy.
On the telly this week
Friday 13th December
| Castres 22 – 10 Enisei-STM | 17:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Brive 24 – 10 Zebre | 19:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Harlequins 10 – 24 Ulster | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Racing 40 – 27 Ospreys | 19:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Dragons 25 – 16 Worcester | 20:00 | epcrugby.com |
Saturday 14th December
| Connacht 27 – 24 Gloucester | 12:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 25 – 22 Lyon | 12:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Bordeaux 33 – 6 Agen | 13:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Calvisano v Leicester | 13:30 | epcrugby.com |
| Saracens v Munster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Toulouse | 15:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| London Irish v Toulon | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Wasps v Edinburgh | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Leinster v Northampton | 17:15 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Glasgow v La Rochelle | 17:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Scarlets 46 – 5 Bayonne | 19:45 | S4C / epcrugby.com BT Sport 3 |
| Stade Français 16 – 18 Bristol | 20:00 | epcrugby.com / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 15th December
| Exeter 25 – 10 Sale | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Clermont 52 – 26 Bath | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
So close for farndale
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Ffs! Keep it simple
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Totally bummed ourselves again
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Try Sarries. 6 Penalties given away within 5 metres of Munster line. Final warning then at final scrum Billy V breaks away across the Munster line to give an offload to Sean Maitland for the corner , only the 5 points though. 8-6
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Big Billy lobs a pass out of a tackle for the first try of the match.
Sean Maitland, the recipient, touches it down in the corner.
Owen Farrell can’t make the kick.
8-6
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Take the lead then arse the restart. How embra
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Unbelievable Munster defence against awesome attack by Sarries. Try Mako
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Well that was fugly but I’ll take it
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Mako Vunipola with a try after numerous phases in front of the posts.
Farrell has better luck.
15-6 with seven minutes left.
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Surprised Munster didn’t go for the points when they had that penalty.
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Thought a Sarries player clearly played the ball while of his feet close to the line just then though maybe Munster had knocked on previously (neither were given).
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Mako is also the man of the match.
15-6 the final.
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Mon ra Weedge! Thank dog I’m not at Scotstoun tonight – weather’s been shite all day.
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Yeah, I don’t really know what Munster were thinking there. Cost them the LBP.
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With probably less than 40% possession, Toulouse score a 4th try at the last second. BP win. Final score 18/26.
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I love watching Toulouse v2.0
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Good dog Wasps are poor, okay we brought on the cavalry for the last ten minutes but we had a largely second/third string team out and we made countless errors and still managed to sneak the away win at the end, albeit from a very dodgy penalty award to us in front of the sticks.
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Didn’t realise Sexton was injured.
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Well that didn’t take long
Long night for saints awaits
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And the Bad Guys get a try in the second minute.
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Interlude………………
Another one from the “Old boys have still got it school of piano playing” – Horowitz
brilliant…….down to and including the grotty handkerchief and bad arthritis!
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2 in 5 mins for Leinster.
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More evilness afoot in Dublin
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5 mins: try no. 2.
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It’ll be about 160-0 at this rate.
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Just imagine what the Martian score would be.
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Bit of a shame this is the game on Channel 4. No idea how much choice they get though.
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@CMW – thanks for the reminder. Glorious HD, here I come.
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What’s wrong with the lights in Glasgow? Looks like a low key film noir.
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17 – 0
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Try Glasgow! Nice maul.
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Been minutes without a Leinster score. Slackers
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Flair – Scotstoun always looks dull on TV – its bright enough when you’re there.
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Ah, a fine Glasgow December evening
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That was a lovely offload to Biggar, to score.
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Yellow for Tuala, pulling back Lowe off the ball.
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That yellow was just what this game needed…
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A brief spurt of life by saints, then more evilness
24-7
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BB, I know there is enough light to play, but as a cameraman I find the contrast quite unusual. Compare with any other stadium where there are almost no shadows. I’m pretty sure that in Glasgow what we call in our jargon the “fill lights” ( those that provide a fill so that the contrast between the key light and the rest is not too harsh) aren’t working.
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I’m fucking fuming.
My daughter was on a train in the summer on the way to Gatwick airport. Her student railcard is held on her phone. So she had her ticket but not her railcard because she didn’t want to take an iphone to a festival abroad, no problem says the guard, just send proof in when you get back. My daughter offered to pay the extra £6 there and then, but the guard said not to bother. So she sent in the proof as per the instructions.
Long story short, the train company have pursued my daughter through the courts and she has been fined £400.
Utter utter bastards
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Could just about describe that as of all things a mistake by Lowe.
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Bugger. Another try for La Rochelle. We’re struggling here, and we have the wind behind us.
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Good try by the Startled Puffin.
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Ticht – that sounds completely absurd!
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Or not? Checking a knock-on.
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“They’re back in the game now”
Not really.
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It is absurd Thaum, my daughter and my wife kept is secret from me because they knew I would hit the roof and fight it, but it’s been paid.
My daughter was really stressed out about them threatening bailiffs and all sorts, all this whilst she had deadlines to hit at uni.
So it was probably for the best that they kept it from me.
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Much sympathy, ticht. They are horrible. I once made the same mistake as one of the people in this article:
https://www.theguardian.com/travel/shortcuts/2017/mar/22/now-you-can-forget-your-railcard-once-without-being-charged-a-fortune I hopped on the first train I saw at Nottingham station because that was the time my train was leaving. Turned out it was a delayed train and I had to pay full fare on top of the ticket I’d bought. Was not happy.
Can your daughter not pursue this further? Or does paying the 400 mean the decision is accepted?
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I think this is the end of it, Tam.
My daughter has been losing sleep over it, literally, so it’s good that this draws a line under it, but talk about using a sledgehammer to crack a nut.
My wife sees young guys dodging fares every morning, nothing happens to them.
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Leinster start the second half like they started the 1st – with a try.
36-14. 43 mins
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