It was a beautiful day inside the Space X Dome, this past Satursol, as the New Cardiff Legends played out the first Martian-wide final against their bitter rivals the Valles Marineris Miners. Both teams were the respective champions of their regional championships last year, so it was apt that these two giants of the sport met in the first championship final that encompassed all of the Martian worlds.
Despite their regional dominance, neither side had an easy passage to the final: the Miners had a troubled journey off-planet to Deimos to face this inaugural season’s surprise package, the Isuzu Southern Kings, in the semi final. The former Pro14 team – recently relocated to an underground base on the bad moon – have made good use of their unique 5G pitch and honed their grubber kick and chase tactics to perfection.
Sadly, it was not to be their sol as the visiting team benefited from a controversial sending off of the Kings’ star player – a clone of Phil Dollman – after a case of mistaken identity. The original Phil Dollman was adjudged to have raked the thighs of the Miners’ inside tighthead according to replays shown to all with access to BT Mars Sport (and those watching via streamed methods), which left the hosts having to play with just one full back. The Miners turned the Kings’ own grubber-and-run tactic on the home team as Valles captain Maxim Gargalic scored a try to go with two three point conversions and a rouge.
The Legends, meanwhile, did at least have the luxury of a massive semi [Ed: you all know what to say here] in the comfort of their own home. In the shadow of Olympus Mons, at the New Arms Park, the self-styled greatest club in the solar system overcame a plucky Arabia Terra Terrors team. Led by player-coach Thretton Palamo, the Terrors were in front by two scores to one and a half at the one-third turn, but were ultimately punished by a well-drilled Legends team. With a strong performance in both the upper and lower maul, the capital city slickers scored 11 final third tries, two rouges and three half-tries, the final of which went to fan-favourite, 53 year old Fau Filise. Cheered on by a home crowd basking in the late afternoon sol, the Legends put this one to bed just before New Caroline Street opened for business.
And so, to the final. The build up was somewhat tarnished by a Twitter spat between Miners star player Joe Marler (heavily linked with a move back to Terra at the Bristol Bears) and his Legends counterpart Gerald Davies 2.0. What may have started out as friendly banter only spilled over into mean-spirited heckling, cajoling and poorly thought out, irrelevant memes. If Martian rugby is to gain the respect that it has on the home planet, then it must place a ban on such pre-match behaviour. New Dublin-based Martian Rugby should not leave this boil unfestered.
As to the match itself, and for such a big occasion, the first two-thirds were nothing to write home about. Literally. Both teams were running on Earth time and didn’t turn up for kick off. President Elon Musk decreed that there would be no refunds for the two-thirds with no action and the capacity 300,000 crowd silently nodded in agreement as the third third kicked off. The Legends soon took the early-but-actually-quite-late initiative by kicking a rouge directly from kick off. In what must bring in a law change in time for next season, the Legends chose to use a lighter ball to kick off with which immediately sailed to the roof of the stadium to earn the game’s first point. However, the Miners soon got into the swing of it by making ground with their innovative knock on ploy. All year the Miners have made yardage due to their lack of handling skillz, and Satursol was no exception. Marler was held up just short of the half-try line and new signing Ruaridh Jackson knocked back rather than on with the same dotted line at his mercy.
The latter action resulted in Gerald Davies 2.0 sweeping up the loose ball and 19 sidesteps later he was under the Y-shaped posts for a full score of eight points. Filise converted from the touchline to add the extra three before President Musk dropped his handkerchief signalling the end of the match. Veteran captain Ioan Lloyd lifted the trophy – a Model Y Tesla handcrafted from the finest Martian calcium – to a backdrop of a grinning President.
The stadium soon emptied as the Legends fans – using their scarves as makeshift masks – departed to catch the last Tesla shuttle back to New Cardiff. For the Valles supporters, well, their journey would not begin until the following sol as public transport links are not yet well-developed in the boonies and the Musk submarine can only take two passengers at a time.
I am sure that there are Terra-dwellers reading this on their puny internet who have only seen highlights and do not yet fully appreciate that the game here has evolved into something that they are too dim to comprehend, but please note: this time next year a Mars team will travel to Terra for a three match series and, believe me, if you think that your Richie McCaw, your Gerald Davies (1.0), your Mathieu Bastareaud or your Ned Hanigan can save you, then you are grossly mistaken. We’re coming.
Reportage by intrepid OvallyBalls operative and space expert Yosoy.
On the telly this week
Friday 13th December
| Castres 22 – 10 Enisei-STM | 17:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Brive 24 – 10 Zebre | 19:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Harlequins 10 – 24 Ulster | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Racing 40 – 27 Ospreys | 19:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Dragons 25 – 16 Worcester | 20:00 | epcrugby.com |
Saturday 14th December
| Connacht 27 – 24 Gloucester | 12:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 25 – 22 Lyon | 12:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Bordeaux 33 – 6 Agen | 13:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Calvisano v Leicester | 13:30 | epcrugby.com |
| Saracens v Munster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Toulouse | 15:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| London Irish v Toulon | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Wasps v Edinburgh | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Leinster v Northampton | 17:15 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Glasgow v La Rochelle | 17:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Scarlets 46 – 5 Bayonne | 19:45 | S4C / epcrugby.com BT Sport 3 |
| Stade Français 16 – 18 Bristol | 20:00 | epcrugby.com / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 15th December
| Exeter 25 – 10 Sale | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Clermont 52 – 26 Bath | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
Cooney apparently now the top scorer in the competition.
Can’t see us winning in Clermont, mind you.
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Drags mash Worcester scrum. Pinch me.
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Final score 25-16 to the Newport Gwent Satsumas.
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Good morning! Happy Saturday! I’m on holiday from now until the second week of January! Watching the Cape Town 7z and the Aus-Kiwi cricket and golf and will watch rugby and football later and will crack my first beer when I get back from shopping. In about an hour.
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Morning from soggy France!
Saw the first half of the Ulster/Quins bash……………..
………..I’ve not seen Ulster play for a while and thought they were 10% quicker and harder than my memory served.
Very impressive………………*
*reality check – was only Quins and a less than 1st Xv at that, but………………………………..
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They’re pretty good. Not quite good enough to win the tournament but tough. Cooney, of course, is a fine player Marcell Coetzee is something else. They’ll find it tough iat Clermont, which might mean an away quarter final, which’d probably be the end of the road.
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McCloskey’s been playing better than I’ve seen him play in a long time, too. Perhaps that’s partly because of a new Ireland coach to impress.
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Connacht are 10-0 up.
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10-7 now. Great conversion by 36 in the wind.
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I feel Connacht should’ve had that try just before the half. A little more patience needed. (Says the critic sitting comfortably on the couch, all warm and dry with a cup of coffee.)
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Just a wee bit forward with that pass, Gloucester.
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Unbelievably bad mistake from Connact gifts Gloz a try.
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How about that?
Connacht #11 cleans out the scrum half at the ruck and steals the ball inside the Connacht territory, and on now on the counter-attack, Connacht neatly pass it to Gloucester inside centre for the easy try.
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Connacht are having trouble crossing the try line today, spilling the ball after a number of phases. That really should’ve been a try. (Still wet and cold here, and still on the couch. Precipitation is causing problems with the satellite reception.)
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While refilling my coffee cup, it appears that Connacht scored on a penalty.
13-12
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Just noticed Sam H-C is playing for Lyon. Hadn’t realised that’s where he was. He seemed to have dropped off the radar completely. Wonder if he wishes he’d not blown his chances at Embra?
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Goddamit, Louis Rees-Zammit. Magical play.
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Another gifted pass leads to another Gloucester try. Glaws run it back from well inside their territory along the line, and after a receiving deft pass from the ground, the outside flanker dots the ball down.
36 makes it 13-19
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Connacht guilty of not making a couple of tackles, and Gloucester work the ball right and power over for a try in the corner. A brace for the inside centre.
13-24
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Mark Atkinson is the player with two tries today.
Never heard of him.
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Shane Delahunt, #16, powers over for Connacht.
20-24
One minute left. Is the come back on?
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What a finish to a game
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Connacht won it at the end? TMO check for forward pass? Nothing wrong with that pass.
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Great scenes in the Wesht
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Yes.
Yes it is!
Robin Copeland scores the potential winning try.
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Connacht score a try for the win after the clock turns red, but there’s a TMO check.
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Terrible shame if this is wiped off.
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Claw will be in tears
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I seem to be behind the rest of you! (So to speak.)
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*Blog Meet Update*
Booked a 6N table from 14:00 on 14 March 2020 in the Dubliner Pub and Hotel, Heidelberg Hauptstrasse (middle of the pedestrian zone).
Nearest airports all within an hour by train are Frankfurt Main, Stuttgart and Baden-Karlsruhe.
Fingers crossed some of you lovelies and that Prog Monster can make it.
*Blog Meet Update*
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Timing was never my strong point.
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Count us in, Iks!
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Leicester are only 8-3 up v Calvisano at 60 minutes. Come on, Calvisano.
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Would love to come and am looking at trains from Prague now. It’s doable but a long journey with a minimum of 2 changes. Let’s see.
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POM out in the warm-up, now Tadhg Beirne injured. A pisser for them.
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Shame for Taidgh Beirne, off with a knacked knee.
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Another Munster injury losing the tight head Ryan. Equalising penalty for 3-3
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Still 3-3 at oranges. Very tight game
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Good game in Montpellier. Mostly Saffer power vs lightning quick Toulousains. Absorbing pressure and lethal in counterattack, Toulouse lead 14/13.
Nadolo vs Kolbe is a sight to behold.
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Unfortunate Picamoles did his ACL all by himself. Probably end of his career.
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JJ Hanrahan gives Munster a 6-3 lead.
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A couple of bad bits of play have gifted Toulouse 14 points. First Goosen handed the ball to a Toulouse player who took a quick line-out 5 metres out. Just now Bismarck du Plessis with a signalled inside pass that was picked off by Rory Arnold who strolled over from the 22. 21-13.
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20 man rumble at Allianz park.
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Jamie George being a bit of a prat.
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And then Farrell, Owen.
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JJ Hanrahan misses the subsequent fairly easy penalty, still 3-6 to Munster.
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Poetic justice perhaps. Big kerfuffle begone by Jamie George in dispute with a Munster support team, extensive handbags ending with a pen against Faz for joining in from more than 10 metres (along with most of both teams. Penalty missed but both teams fired up now.
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Edinburgh are much more of a threat to Edinburgh than Wasps are
We are playing some shit rugby here, error after error after error
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‘Spretty diabolical, ticht
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Apparently a weight insult at Jamie George provoked the outbreak of handbags. What delicate flowers the modern day rugby player can be.
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