It was a beautiful day inside the Space X Dome, this past Satursol, as the New Cardiff Legends played out the first Martian-wide final against their bitter rivals the Valles Marineris Miners. Both teams were the respective champions of their regional championships last year, so it was apt that these two giants of the sport met in the first championship final that encompassed all of the Martian worlds.
Despite their regional dominance, neither side had an easy passage to the final: the Miners had a troubled journey off-planet to Deimos to face this inaugural season’s surprise package, the Isuzu Southern Kings, in the semi final. The former Pro14 team – recently relocated to an underground base on the bad moon – have made good use of their unique 5G pitch and honed their grubber kick and chase tactics to perfection.
Sadly, it was not to be their sol as the visiting team benefited from a controversial sending off of the Kings’ star player – a clone of Phil Dollman – after a case of mistaken identity. The original Phil Dollman was adjudged to have raked the thighs of the Miners’ inside tighthead according to replays shown to all with access to BT Mars Sport (and those watching via streamed methods), which left the hosts having to play with just one full back. The Miners turned the Kings’ own grubber-and-run tactic on the home team as Valles captain Maxim Gargalic scored a try to go with two three point conversions and a rouge.
The Legends, meanwhile, did at least have the luxury of a massive semi [Ed: you all know what to say here] in the comfort of their own home. In the shadow of Olympus Mons, at the New Arms Park, the self-styled greatest club in the solar system overcame a plucky Arabia Terra Terrors team. Led by player-coach Thretton Palamo, the Terrors were in front by two scores to one and a half at the one-third turn, but were ultimately punished by a well-drilled Legends team. With a strong performance in both the upper and lower maul, the capital city slickers scored 11 final third tries, two rouges and three half-tries, the final of which went to fan-favourite, 53 year old Fau Filise. Cheered on by a home crowd basking in the late afternoon sol, the Legends put this one to bed just before New Caroline Street opened for business.
And so, to the final. The build up was somewhat tarnished by a Twitter spat between Miners star player Joe Marler (heavily linked with a move back to Terra at the Bristol Bears) and his Legends counterpart Gerald Davies 2.0. What may have started out as friendly banter only spilled over into mean-spirited heckling, cajoling and poorly thought out, irrelevant memes. If Martian rugby is to gain the respect that it has on the home planet, then it must place a ban on such pre-match behaviour. New Dublin-based Martian Rugby should not leave this boil unfestered.
As to the match itself, and for such a big occasion, the first two-thirds were nothing to write home about. Literally. Both teams were running on Earth time and didn’t turn up for kick off. President Elon Musk decreed that there would be no refunds for the two-thirds with no action and the capacity 300,000 crowd silently nodded in agreement as the third third kicked off. The Legends soon took the early-but-actually-quite-late initiative by kicking a rouge directly from kick off. In what must bring in a law change in time for next season, the Legends chose to use a lighter ball to kick off with which immediately sailed to the roof of the stadium to earn the game’s first point. However, the Miners soon got into the swing of it by making ground with their innovative knock on ploy. All year the Miners have made yardage due to their lack of handling skillz, and Satursol was no exception. Marler was held up just short of the half-try line and new signing Ruaridh Jackson knocked back rather than on with the same dotted line at his mercy.
The latter action resulted in Gerald Davies 2.0 sweeping up the loose ball and 19 sidesteps later he was under the Y-shaped posts for a full score of eight points. Filise converted from the touchline to add the extra three before President Musk dropped his handkerchief signalling the end of the match. Veteran captain Ioan Lloyd lifted the trophy – a Model Y Tesla handcrafted from the finest Martian calcium – to a backdrop of a grinning President.
The stadium soon emptied as the Legends fans – using their scarves as makeshift masks – departed to catch the last Tesla shuttle back to New Cardiff. For the Valles supporters, well, their journey would not begin until the following sol as public transport links are not yet well-developed in the boonies and the Musk submarine can only take two passengers at a time.
I am sure that there are Terra-dwellers reading this on their puny internet who have only seen highlights and do not yet fully appreciate that the game here has evolved into something that they are too dim to comprehend, but please note: this time next year a Mars team will travel to Terra for a three match series and, believe me, if you think that your Richie McCaw, your Gerald Davies (1.0), your Mathieu Bastareaud or your Ned Hanigan can save you, then you are grossly mistaken. We’re coming.
Reportage by intrepid OvallyBalls operative and space expert Yosoy.
On the telly this week
Friday 13th December
| Castres 22 – 10 Enisei-STM | 17:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Brive 24 – 10 Zebre | 19:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Harlequins 10 – 24 Ulster | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Racing 40 – 27 Ospreys | 19:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Dragons 25 – 16 Worcester | 20:00 | epcrugby.com |
Saturday 14th December
| Connacht 27 – 24 Gloucester | 12:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 25 – 22 Lyon | 12:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Bordeaux 33 – 6 Agen | 13:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Calvisano v Leicester | 13:30 | epcrugby.com |
| Saracens v Munster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Toulouse | 15:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| London Irish v Toulon | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Wasps v Edinburgh | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Leinster v Northampton | 17:15 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Glasgow v La Rochelle | 17:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Scarlets 46 – 5 Bayonne | 19:45 | S4C / epcrugby.com BT Sport 3 |
| Stade Français 16 – 18 Bristol | 20:00 | epcrugby.com / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 15th December
| Exeter 25 – 10 Sale | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Clermont 52 – 26 Bath | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
The commentator in the Harlequins-Ulster game is trying every way to pronounce Stephan Lewies’s surname but still hasn’t quite hit it.
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Zebo over for number 4 – might be checked? Seems OK.
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Ticht – I’m not sure how we haven’t crossed the line yet. But now we’ve let the Quins have the ball for a bit, and that looks dangerous.
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Two failed HIAs for Quins just before their first threatening moves. 3-3 after a penalty
Sink revelling in playing as first receiver – captain’s privilege
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The Chisholms are from Sussex. I always assumed they were ticht’s boys.
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Noice from Ulster
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Better than noice, that was terrific
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Bloody fabulous team try with Cooney touching it down.
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Great try. Good work from Faddes at the end.
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Length of the field try by Ulster against last 10 mins of play 3-10.
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T’was a very nice try. Cooney’s got to be Ireland’s first choice 9 for the 6N, shirley? He’s playing better than Murray at the moment, from what I’ve seen anyway.
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BB – aye, agreed, Murray has been off-form for some time, and Cooney is on-form.
It was a mystery why he wasn’t chosen for the Ireland squad, but it certainly seems to have put a fire under his arse this season.
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Re Burns:
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Quite agree that Cooney looks very impressive as a means to liven-up the Irish half back pairing
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It’s good to watch rugby. I thought I didn’t care about anything any more.
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Oh no! That almost brilliant
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Apologies to BB. The Drags kit is more Newport than Wolves. More orange than the Potus, or a plastic bag stuffed with overripe satsumas.
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Ooh that was nearly the perfect reply for Quins but the weather is horrible now.
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Thaum – it was one of the few times where it was good to work in a school. The kids don’t care what happened in the election or who won it. They were more bothered about whether they could play games on the computers at interval or not.
I was also thinking about the changes the seniors have seen just during the time they’ve been at seconday. This year’s Sixth Years started in August 2014 – before IndyRef1, before Brexit, before the multiple elections over the years.
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Strong finish from LM
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FUCK YES!
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Georges-Henri Colombe in for a score in Paris. He’s a magnificent size of a man.
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Iks
… the POTUS stuffed into a Sainsbury’s bag in East Belfast.
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Think that’s 6 tries for Racing now.
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Harlequins are a very disappointing side, so close last week so slapdash this week,
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Full Irish summer conditions greet another Ulster try 3-17
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Up to about 134,000 in Paris. Racing can score as many as they want in this game.
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Lovely try for the Ospreys by Klim – Zebo didn’t cover himself in glory with the ‘tackle’.
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Here we go again. Warriors prop collapses on his knees like a putty doll. Drags prop gets a yellow card.
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Ugo was apparently saying Scotland should build a team around Lang and Hutchinson in midfield, I’m less convinced about about Lang, tbh
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That wee man is electric
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Very sensible play from Ulster keeping Quins well and truly flattened. Another try from Cooney 3-24
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John Cooney has reached demi-god status . At least.
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Ticht – he’s been OK when I’ve seen him. He can play 10, 13 and 15 apparently. Having said that, I think Harris is a better defensive centre and Hutchinson is a better attacking centre, so I’d pick those two from the Premiership as well as the Glasgow and Edinburgh ones.
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Ooh. Try back for Quins 10-24.
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4 tries for the Ospreys, so they get a point!
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13 man Drags marmalise the Warriors line out. Ref gives penalty to Worcs. Hibbardy Hib on in full Thor mode.
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Crowd restless, starved of justice and quality.
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40-27 now in Paris. Racing have switched off, a minute left so they bring Finn on to calm things down a bit….
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Thank goodness the Ulster lineout darts are picked up as not straight
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Racing leading 40/5 with 25 minutes to go emptied the bench packed with promising academy players. Still, kudos to Ospreys for fighting till the end. Final score: 40/ 27.
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Anything Ulster can do, Quins completely fuck-up a lineout allowing a sweeping move we’ll finished by Feddes. Bonus for Ulster, 10-29.
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Faddes does it. Soft try for Quins to give up.
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YEEESSS
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Thaum – hope this result has salved some of your wounds. Ulster deserving this victory. Good luck in the rest of the cup
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And another!
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SLMC – thank you, that is very magnanimous. It has certainly lifted the mood.
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More handbags and a red card for contact with the head. Against Warriors! Strange days.
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Getting gratuitous now. Won’t someone think of
the childrenQuins?LikeLike
Lots of niggle in the game. Marvellous.
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