It was a beautiful day inside the Space X Dome, this past Satursol, as the New Cardiff Legends played out the first Martian-wide final against their bitter rivals the Valles Marineris Miners. Both teams were the respective champions of their regional championships last year, so it was apt that these two giants of the sport met in the first championship final that encompassed all of the Martian worlds.
Despite their regional dominance, neither side had an easy passage to the final: the Miners had a troubled journey off-planet to Deimos to face this inaugural season’s surprise package, the Isuzu Southern Kings, in the semi final. The former Pro14 team – recently relocated to an underground base on the bad moon – have made good use of their unique 5G pitch and honed their grubber kick and chase tactics to perfection.
Sadly, it was not to be their sol as the visiting team benefited from a controversial sending off of the Kings’ star player – a clone of Phil Dollman – after a case of mistaken identity. The original Phil Dollman was adjudged to have raked the thighs of the Miners’ inside tighthead according to replays shown to all with access to BT Mars Sport (and those watching via streamed methods), which left the hosts having to play with just one full back. The Miners turned the Kings’ own grubber-and-run tactic on the home team as Valles captain Maxim Gargalic scored a try to go with two three point conversions and a rouge.
The Legends, meanwhile, did at least have the luxury of a massive semi [Ed: you all know what to say here] in the comfort of their own home. In the shadow of Olympus Mons, at the New Arms Park, the self-styled greatest club in the solar system overcame a plucky Arabia Terra Terrors team. Led by player-coach Thretton Palamo, the Terrors were in front by two scores to one and a half at the one-third turn, but were ultimately punished by a well-drilled Legends team. With a strong performance in both the upper and lower maul, the capital city slickers scored 11 final third tries, two rouges and three half-tries, the final of which went to fan-favourite, 53 year old Fau Filise. Cheered on by a home crowd basking in the late afternoon sol, the Legends put this one to bed just before New Caroline Street opened for business.
And so, to the final. The build up was somewhat tarnished by a Twitter spat between Miners star player Joe Marler (heavily linked with a move back to Terra at the Bristol Bears) and his Legends counterpart Gerald Davies 2.0. What may have started out as friendly banter only spilled over into mean-spirited heckling, cajoling and poorly thought out, irrelevant memes. If Martian rugby is to gain the respect that it has on the home planet, then it must place a ban on such pre-match behaviour. New Dublin-based Martian Rugby should not leave this boil unfestered.
As to the match itself, and for such a big occasion, the first two-thirds were nothing to write home about. Literally. Both teams were running on Earth time and didn’t turn up for kick off. President Elon Musk decreed that there would be no refunds for the two-thirds with no action and the capacity 300,000 crowd silently nodded in agreement as the third third kicked off. The Legends soon took the early-but-actually-quite-late initiative by kicking a rouge directly from kick off. In what must bring in a law change in time for next season, the Legends chose to use a lighter ball to kick off with which immediately sailed to the roof of the stadium to earn the game’s first point. However, the Miners soon got into the swing of it by making ground with their innovative knock on ploy. All year the Miners have made yardage due to their lack of handling skillz, and Satursol was no exception. Marler was held up just short of the half-try line and new signing Ruaridh Jackson knocked back rather than on with the same dotted line at his mercy.
The latter action resulted in Gerald Davies 2.0 sweeping up the loose ball and 19 sidesteps later he was under the Y-shaped posts for a full score of eight points. Filise converted from the touchline to add the extra three before President Musk dropped his handkerchief signalling the end of the match. Veteran captain Ioan Lloyd lifted the trophy – a Model Y Tesla handcrafted from the finest Martian calcium – to a backdrop of a grinning President.
The stadium soon emptied as the Legends fans – using their scarves as makeshift masks – departed to catch the last Tesla shuttle back to New Cardiff. For the Valles supporters, well, their journey would not begin until the following sol as public transport links are not yet well-developed in the boonies and the Musk submarine can only take two passengers at a time.
I am sure that there are Terra-dwellers reading this on their puny internet who have only seen highlights and do not yet fully appreciate that the game here has evolved into something that they are too dim to comprehend, but please note: this time next year a Mars team will travel to Terra for a three match series and, believe me, if you think that your Richie McCaw, your Gerald Davies (1.0), your Mathieu Bastareaud or your Ned Hanigan can save you, then you are grossly mistaken. We’re coming.
Reportage by intrepid OvallyBalls operative and space expert Yosoy.
On the telly this week
Friday 13th December
| Castres 22 – 10 Enisei-STM | 17:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Brive 24 – 10 Zebre | 19:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Harlequins 10 – 24 Ulster | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Racing 40 – 27 Ospreys | 19:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Dragons 25 – 16 Worcester | 20:00 | epcrugby.com |
Saturday 14th December
| Connacht 27 – 24 Gloucester | 12:45 | BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 25 – 22 Lyon | 12:45 | BT Sport 3 |
| Bordeaux 33 – 6 Agen | 13:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Calvisano v Leicester | 13:30 | epcrugby.com |
| Saracens v Munster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Toulouse | 15:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| London Irish v Toulon | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Wasps v Edinburgh | 15:00 | epcrugby.com |
| Leinster v Northampton | 17:15 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Glasgow v La Rochelle | 17:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Scarlets 46 – 5 Bayonne | 19:45 | S4C / epcrugby.com BT Sport 3 |
| Stade Français 16 – 18 Bristol | 20:00 | epcrugby.com / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 15th December
| Exeter 25 – 10 Sale | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Clermont 52 – 26 Bath | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
had a power cut all day……………….river Adour ad high winds took down cables/trees etc
back on now for the evening’s rugby and GE reviews
been nice with candles and stuff
LikeLike
“your”
CHIEFS SIDE TO FACE SALE SHARKS
15 Stuart Hogg, 14 Jack Nowell, 13 Henry Slade, 12 Sam Hill, 11 Ian Whitten
10 Joe Simmonds, 9 Nic White
1 Alec Hepburn, 2 Luke Cowan-Dickie, 3 Harry Williams, 4 Dave Dennis (capt), 5 Jonny Hill, 6 Dave Ewers, 7 Jacques Vermeulen, 8 Sam Simmonds
16 Elvis Taione, 17 Ben Moon, 18 Marcus Street,, 19 Jannes Kirsten, 20 Don Armand, 21 Jack Maunder, 22 Gareth Steenson, 23 Olly Woodburn
No change………………………
LikeLike
Exeter’s 4 senior coaches all signed 3 year contract extensions this week……………….
LikeLike
Pau v Legends is postponed/cancelled due to the bad weather down there.
LikeLike
Good to see Hoggy’s HIA wasn’t too bad, Slade.
Keep safe, mate, I’ve seen some terrible flooding in Aude
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m not usually a Brewdog fan, but I like this Lost Lager that I saw in the supermarket today.
LikeLike
we’ve not had autumn storms like this for years and all the rivers are flooded/burst banks.
Pau is considerably wetter than here – much higher rainfall and a big river, the Garve to flood easily.
Plus, it is mild so the heavy snow falls on the mountains are melting nicely into the mix.
We’re ok – on top of a hill and no trees down, thankfully.
Fortunately we have a generator to protect hot water systems and freezers.
It’s a pig to start, ‘tho.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah Ticht tell me about it. I’m putting it down to they thought they were doing what the locals do or something. But I know it will be an unholy mess to sort it out, and we are just too tired right now for the effort required.
LikeLike
“Pau v Legends is postponed/cancelled due to the bad weather down there.”
Easy for you to say looking down from Mars.
LikeLike
Fuck. I’m still completely depressed.
LikeLike
All I need now is for us to get stuffed by the cheating Quins.
LikeLike
For you, Thaum
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear dobbin. For some strange reason, I’ve actually seen that before.
LikeLike
I’ve become obsessed with Chopin, and I’ve been going through lots of youtube vids over the last couple of months.
I loved this comment from under a particular performance from Rubenstein
‘I saw him in Vancouver Canada in what I think was his last world tour. When he arrived in the city he asked to see the piano. The director took him to the theatre and he walked o to the stage, looked around, and said “OK”. He then told the director that his eyesight was getting worse and he wanted to know where the piano was so he wouldn’t wander around the stage looking for it when he came out..
I took my youngest son who was playing Chopin by then and we had seats in the balcony. The place was sold out. We then saw chairs being put on stage. Rubinstein had come in, saw the crowd who could not get in, and told the management to put them on the stage, the newspapers said the next day. I really envied them.during the performance.
The next day a reporter asked Rubinstein about his age as 92. He said ” I am actually 94 but who would pay to see a 94 year old man play the piano.”‘
LikeLiked by 5 people
Very sorry to see how the election panned out for you all. La Suava and I sit here of an antipodean evening watching CNN and other international news (and satire) shows and shake our heads in marvel at the idiocy that has beset modern ‘democracy’.
With 2 of politics’ biggest shitheads either side of the Atlantic and the rise of authoritarianism across the eastern parts of Europe and beyond we thank the fates that have brought us to where we are, geographically and politically, at this stage in our lives.
Kia kaha Ovallyballers/AoDers.
And consider emigrating to Aotearoa, of course. Rugby fans always welcome.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’ve been considering emigrating, ElS. Hadn’t considered going quite so far afield, but you never know!
LikeLike
“And consider emigrating to Aotearoa, of course. ”
I’d seriously consider it if it were possible, El Suavo, I really would.
LikeLike
Ticht
I saw Rubinstein on French TV, in concert.
He looked about 129, the place was packed; he bumbled onto the stage, looked out with a benign almost schoolboy smile; sat down, lifted the lid with his gnarled hands, played Chopin exquisitely, finished and laughed.
Brought the house down – he cried with happiness and so did the audience.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I saw Nina Simone. She had to be helped to the piano, but she could still play up a storm. She did exhibit some rather odd behaviour otherwise.
LikeLike
‘Mon Ulster! Please let one good thing happen today.
LikeLike
All hail the cheating Quins’ new tactic of not selecting many of the old guard but master stroke of making the baby rhino captain for the night. COYQ
LikeLike
That,s not the way to stop Dombrandt
LikeLike
Doesn’t look good for Burns. Think Dombrandt landed on his arm after being tackled.
LikeLike
Ouch, Burns didn’t do anything wrong but that looks painful
LikeLike
Freddie Burns looks out at least for the rest of the night.
LikeLike
He’s staying on, even though it looks like one arm is useless!
LikeLike
Er, Billy, obvs.
LikeLike
“He’s staying on, even though it looks like one arm is useless!”
There’s a joke there a crueler poster would make
LikeLike
Ticht – I did think of adding much like the rest of him, but I’m feeling fragile today.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ospreys score a try shock! Mind you, didn’t they go into the lead last week? Their kit is boggin’ though.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Typical penalty given away by Quins and converted Both teams making lots of mistakes O-3
LikeLike
Danny Aiello died yesterday.
From the soundtrack of one of his best:
LikeLiked by 1 person
Racing score in the corner, even though the pass almost went out, the Racing player still was able to run after it, pick it up and saunter over for the try.
LikeLike
Oh dear Ospreys. Mackenzie throws a big pass, Imhoff guesses right and gets the interception.
LikeLike
SLMC – as you say, both teams making loads of errors.
LikeLike
It wasn’t blanket bad news last night, https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2019/12/13/ann-widdecombe-election-defeat-gay-man-luke-pollard/?fbclid=IwAR0_nWMoz4EmIgYAgMZucnUPE7VnWRxaNBGE-yzON3GGM0nAXa0H8teySu0
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ticht – yep that was good. Also the results in Northern Ireland were unexpectedly pleasing. And Scotland too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Not impressed with Faddes (again). Where’s Balocoune? Is he injured again?
LikeLike
Faddes was great with the Heilanders, Thaum, maybe the faster pace of the Sooper games suits him, the backs certainly get more space as a result of it
LikeLike
Oops, got some wine, Racing score another try, Imhoff again. Racing score 3 tries in 26 minutes. Don’t even have Finn playing – he’s on the bench.
LikeLike
Ticht – I didnae know that. Never heard of him before this season.
BB – Oops, got some wine
Have you done it again?
LikeLiked by 5 people
Thaum – are you really quoting Britney?????
LikeLiked by 1 person
Billy B has recovered well, he’s moving the ball quickly
LikeLike
WTAF. The mister insists that was legal.
LikeLike
BB – no, Richard Thompson, of course!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Got my white rioja onna go again
LikeLike
Christ, Ospreys! What the hell are you playing at? A clear break, an overlap, an easy pass – nope. Tries a fancy one handed pass and it almost goes out and they lose momentum.
LikeLike
Chisholm brothers must be Scottish?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lang is, don’t know about them. Name sounds Scottish, so we’ll claim them.
LikeLike
Good D from Ulster, 3 points isn’t bad from that set
LikeLike